NBA's Finest: Abridged Edition

And This Is Different From Groupie Love How?

2009-04-26T03:45:00.000-07:00

I really don't need to add yet another magazine to my reading list, but when I see one with Will Demps on the cover...well really, what's a girl to do. This is the premiere issue of SET Magazine, the ~~vanity project~~ brainchild of Mrs. Samari Rolle. According to the website:

"Our mission is to provide an intimate look at professional athletes lives as they endure hardships, overcome failures and celebrate their success in their perspective professions. We get up close to take an in-depth look at otherwise classified information."

I didn't realize the failures and successes of athletes in their respective professions were classified. I'm glad SET came along to unclassify that info - ie, Will Demps being the Texans' secret weapon despite being released by them. Amazing.

Anyway, one of the NBA's "nice guys" - Antawn Jamison - is profiled in the mag along with his wife, Ione. Jamison has a squeaky clean reputation, has been married to the same woman for 5 years, and has kids born well after the first 9 months of marriage. On paper, this seems like a model marriage, especially by NBA standards, so I was curious to read what SET unclassified. I should've just stopped at the pictures of Will.

SET: What's the last romantic thing you did for each other?

Ione: Antawn is the best gift giver ever. Just Monday, he upgraded my diamond earrings [from two to three carats]. He went to Vegas, and I didn't even know he'd taken them with him.

SET: How does she spoil you?

Antawn: She gives me little gifts all the time. I really wanted this Louis Vuitton backpack and I couldn't find it anywhere, and she went and got it made for me.

Seriously, is this what romance boils down to - a bigger pair of diamond earrings and a Louis Vuitton backpack? Regardless of the state of the economy, what the fuck? Groupies trade sex for material goods. Shouldn't marriage/love/romance go beyond groupie love? What is so romantic about buying shit when one spouse's yearly salary - $16,360,090 for 2007-2008 - makes buying shit limitless? Before you say, "But that just shows they don't spend their money on all that all the time so it is romantic when they do," let me stop you, future much-younger-second-or-third-wife-of-some-rich-man. Let me also discount the notion that I think money is bad or diamond earrings are bad. But if your romance is driven by the same accumulation of shit that drives groupie love, how is your love any different?

Photo/Article Source: SET Magazine

"Change Your Look, Change Your Life"

2009-02-24T21:46:00.000-08:00

The little, indie bookstores I usually go to don't carry ESPN the Mag, but I was waiting for someone at Barnes & Noble yesterday and this picture of Dwight Howard caught my eye. The cover story, "Above the Rim, Beyond the Arc" by Ric Bucher, is a really interesting revisit to the controversial-at-the-time NBA dress code and how opinions and behaviors have changed since then.

Beyond just their physical appearance, players have re-examined their lifestyles and perceptions. Bucher writes,

"Times have changed. Players not only have rethought what they wear, they've also rethought what they drive and eat. Gone are the days of a player hopping out of an Escalade with 24-inch spinning rims and tinted windows that rattle from the beat of the speaker box. Now the car is likely to be a dark-colored sedan or SUV with standard equipment...You can also find players circling the team buffet, casually mentioning the egg-white omelet and protein shake their personal chef whipped up for them that morning."

Players have also started thinking broadly and more long-term. Shane Battier says, "Guys want to be players and businessmen. And they understand you have to look the part. They're more sophisticated."

The most interesting part of the article was the key figure cited as, if not integral, definitely influential in effecting this change - and it's not Barack Obama. It's Hova himself, Jay-Z. We know Jay's influenced Lebron directly, but who knew he influenced the entire league indirectly. Bucher writes,

"And when Jay-Z turned in his Yankees cap and white T's for French-cuffed shirts and three-piece suits, tailors with NBA clientele noticed. 'Guys started buying a ton of woven dress shirts to wear with cuff links,' says designer Cary Mitchell. Teams steal defensive schemes; players eye what others are rocking. 'It's a copycat league,' says Mitchell."

Other owners better hope and pray Jay's influence is solely sartorial and won't affect where players want to play, ie Brooklyn. I think it's hilarious though that this designer calls the players out as copycats.

Another benefit to the dress code was that it bridged one divide between the Americans and the Europeans. Some of the Europeans felt mocked for their choice of clothing, which tends toward close-fitting, but now, that's the style 'round the league.

Time was when Warriors center Andris Biedrins thought he was getting dap when someone said, "That suit is tight." But that was "tight" as in "too small," not as in "That looks sharp." No more. Says Hawks center Zaza Pachulia: "Euro style used to be a bad thing. Now guys like it."

If only other conflicts could be so easily defused. Anyway, check out the story. It's really interesting. One other thing - the Blazers provide a personal chef to rookies whose moms aren't accompanying them to Portland. How cool is that!!!!

Together Again

2009-02-24T15:48:00.000-08:00

First, Shaq and Kobe reunited at the All Star Game. Then, it was Angelina and Aniston at the Oscars. Now, and with much less drama, Conan and Andy will be back together on NBC! Can Andy still be naked at 11:35pm or will that be Jimmy Fallon's domain now? *Shudder*

A Quote for Sonics Fans

2009-02-18T05:52:00.001-08:00

I just finished reading The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society, which wasn't quite the old lady book I'd thought it would be...okay, maybe it was a little but I still really enjoyed it. Anyway, there's a line from Shakespeare in the book that I thought fitting for Sonics fans, particularly after the show Kevin Durant put on this weekend. It goes, "The bright day is done, and we are for the dark."

Didn't mean to start your morning off on such a somber note. Here's a video from the hilarious Paul Brogan to properly start the day. I don't know how I didn't see this before. Thanks @PhoenixSunsGirl for all the manic Twittering.

PAUL BROGAN - NBA RAP 2008

Seriously, how could David Stern take the NBA from a city that produces fans like this? Now look what the cat dragged in to Oklahoma City:

They're calling him Rumble the Bison. He can't even make a basket! So sad.

Highlight of Clippers-Suns Game

2009-02-18T05:18:00.000-08:00

The best part of the ridiculous 40 point blowout came during halftime when they showed a clip of the Step Brothers spoof Baron Davis and Steve Nash made for Baron BoomDizzle's site, IBeatYou. Look at Steve's moves! Shaq's not the only one with some skills. Two words: Dance off.

Jay, if you don't know who the JabbaWockeeZ are, I'm shaving your head to reflect the old man you've become. I love PTI and Tony Kornheiser, but damn, sometimes the age/generation/technology/pop culture gap is ridiculous. Today he and Dan Le Batard talked about Twitter and Tony went off on the "twitter machine." It's called a computer. And I loved when he finally discovered Amy Winehouse...a year after Rehab blew up. I know ESPN wants to skew young, but forcing people to talk about topics they have absolutely no understanding of - I thought that's what they kept Skip Bayless around for.

The Pistons' Mascot is Cooler than Yours

2009-02-12T21:09:00.000-08:00

Hooper's doing it in costume AND heels!
I humble myself before thee.
And those dancers! Hot sex on a platter.

Benny or Gorilla, whatchu got??

2009-02-12T16:44:00.000-08:00

He's jealous of this dog, too.

When Mom's Away

2009-02-12T09:44:00.001-08:00

Obama is totally jealous of this kid.
Stay strong, Mr. President.

Link via Dlisted's Twitter.

The Aftermath in Seattle

2009-02-12T06:45:00.000-08:00

What Clay Bennett wrought.
Sonics fans in Portland for the ex-Sonics return to the Pacific Northwest.
So sad.

Photo Source: AP

Cojones*

2009-02-12T02:18:00.000-08:00

Slam has a fantastic article by John Krolik on the rightful heir to Sam Cassell's testicle dance. (The only adjective I can think of to properly describe the dance is 'singular,' but somehow 'singular testicle dance' just sounds wrong...and misleading.) Thus far, only Kobe and Andre Iguodala have been brazen enough to show off their cojones (Andre in front of the one and only Sam I Am). Kobe broke out the dance again tonight after a late basket against the Jazz, but like the last time against the Spurs, Lakers lost. Last time, Roger Mason, Jr. answered back with a testicle dance of his own. This time, Mehmet Okur answered back with what can only be characterized as the Jonas version of Sam's dance. I'm trying to find a clip of it, but the only video of the game on YouTube cuts off before the end.

My vote is for Roger Mason, Jr. Sam had a swagger disproportionate to his position on the NBA totem pole. Roger Mason - 2nd rounder, journeyman - has the same outsized bravado.

Krolik dismisses Manu as a possible heir, saying:

I’m pretty sure Manu thinks the dance means “I have accumulated a lot of change and am unsure what to do with it, so for the moment there is much change in my pockets, which I find unwieldy.”

This can also describe Mehmet's dance. Check out the other potential heirs apparent here.

*Quick note to my very white friend, Jay. Cojones is not pronounced 'co-jones,' which is what I know you were saying in your head. It's Spanish and therefore pronounced 'co-ho-nez.'

Cold Days

2009-02-12T00:59:00.000-08:00

Most people take snow days, I've been taking cold days. The temperature literally went from the 80s-90s to the 40s-50s and rainy in a matter of days. I know 40 degrees is nothing to anyone not living in the Southwest, but the sudden drop was so jarring it felt like being thrown into freezing cold water. I'm absolutely useless when it's cold, which explains why I was on academic probation for the first time in my life my first winter in Boston, but my body's more acclimated now so I'm pulling an all-nighter to make up for all the work I haven't been doing. The actual work probably won't take more than a few hours, but I have to schedule in my procrastination, such as this post.

Something that's been bothering me for awhile, which I've voiced before but I feel the need to bring up again is, who the fuck are the Jonas Brothers? And why are they everywhere?! I saw them for a quick second on the VMAs sitting on a makeshift stoop in matching seersucker suits before I had to change the channel. That's understandable though since MTV caters to imbeciles. They've also taken over a wall at Borders. Once again, understandable considering the other wall was devoted to Twilight, ibid imbecile reference. But the cover of Rolling Stone? And now they're going to rape my ears on SNL? Why they haven't been banished to the Teen Beat corner is beyond me. Why are we, non 13-years-olds, being forced to lower ourselves to the Jonas-Hannah Montana level? No wonder the adult literacy level is so low and the LA Times is written at barely an 8th grade level since apparently, that's the mental age we're shooting for. Jesus. (Excuse my caffeine rush. I'm fine now.) Here's Chelsea Handler's take on the Jonas situation:

Brilliant. Don't get me wrong - I'm not against teen idols. I just don't think that I or anyone else in their 20s and up should be forced to follow a group of pre-pubescent boys. Unless they can shoot a ball, of course. You wouldn't show Finding Nemo on SpikeTV, so why are the JoBros (Seriously? Gag me.) on SNL? And don't get me started on Zac Efron hosting. Okay, enough of this. More posts about basketball, I swear!

Chipotle

2009-02-09T02:01:00.000-08:00

This is so something my cousin would do.
That's why his nickname is Idiot Boy.

The Mailman Does Not Deliver on TNT

2009-02-07T06:55:00.000-08:00

Karl Malone was a guest host on Inside the NBA this week and his appearance was magic. As in The Magic Hour. Since Karl loves to hunt so much, let's use a hunting analogy. If Ernie, Kenny, and Charles are decorated marksmen, Karl Malone is Dick Cheney. He might as well have shot Ernie in the face.

When asked about the coaching carousel in the NBA, Karl started talking about Marc Iavaroni and without finishing his point, leapfrogged to Jerry Sloan going to Illinois to hunt. When Ernie asked him if he still kept in touch with John Stockton, Karl talked about how John was the godfather to one of his kids and then how they should have showed John's statue in front of the EnergySolutions Arena. He'd ramble on and on about something and then just kind of stop. There'd be a momentary pause while Ernie figured out if Karl was going to finish his point or not, and then Ernie would bring everyone back with an "Okaaaay..."

I don't know how much longer TNT is going to punish Charles and by extension us, the viewers, but in case this suspension results in more appearances by the Mailman, I feel a quick workshop is in order. Here we go:

How to Be a Studio Analyst: A Hunter's Guide

Before you begin speaking/shooting, you must find a point/target.
You are the gun and your words are your bullets.
Pretend your point is the defenseless little animal you love to kill.
Track it, determine its path before you start shooting off at the mouth.
Don't let the point get away from you.
Focus.
When you have the point in your sights, shoot.
You don't need to spray buckshot all willy-nilly.
That's how random old men get shot in the face.
Use only the amount of bullets that are necessary.
When you're finished, the point will be done as well.
Time to move on.

Repeat the steps above or give someone else a turn.

Please, TNT. Give Charles another turn. Yes, he went from Blackjack to BJs but hey, at least he wasn't photographed hitting the bong! The Moral ~~Majority~~ Minority have moved on to Michael Phelps. Now is the perfect time to bring Charles back under the radar. An All-Star Weekend without the Chuckster but with G-E-I-C-O? Say it ain't so.

Kardashians Prefer NFL Players to NBA Players. In a Related Study, Findings Show NFL Players More at Risk for STDs than NBA Players.

2009-02-04T02:40:00.000-08:00

Khloe Kardashian recently broke up with the T-wolves' Rashad McCants and told People Magazine,

"It's easier to date a football player for sure. Football players have one game a week, and they practice every day, but they're all at home. In basketball, they're on the road all the time. Relationships are so hard in general, even living next door to each other, but they have 82 games a year in their season, and I work so much; it's hard to spend time together. It just wasn't as fun as it should have been."

Now here's the kicker:

"I normally never talk about relationships. But since he was kind of public, my fans were angry that I wasn't really saying anything."

Fans? Yes, I'm sure the Chyna Fan Club rejects were postively seething that they didn't know about your love life. Good luck in the NFL hunt.

Totally In Love with Ricky Gervais

2009-02-03T23:48:00.000-08:00

Reasons:

1. His open letter to Barack Obama.

Dear Mr President,

As I'm sure you are aware, one of your flock has strayed. A Miss Paris Hilton, who is, I believe, a resident of Beverley Hills, is in England doing a reality game show for ITV2 called Paris Hilton's British Best Friend. Fine. I have no problem with that. I don't have to watch. But now it has come to my attention that she has bought a house in North London a few miles from me, and is out and about ingratiating herself with the Great British public.

Mr President. We are not stupid. This is clearly a retaliatory strike for Posh Spice moving to LA. I know it, and you know it, so let's cut the "it's a free country" nonsense and come to some agreement.

I propose an exchange.

Have your people call my people. They may have to call a few times as my people are useless to be honest.

Thank you,

Ricky Gervais

2. His worst films of 2008 list.

10. Fool's Gold -- I don't have anything funny to say about this movie. I'm just fed up. Just fucking stop it. Seriously. You're not getting anything out of it. I'm not getting anything out of it. Even "your audience" isn't getting anything out of it. You know what this movie cost? $70 million. You know what it grossed? $70 Million. It's a cats game. You're literally doing nothing.

6. Fireproof -- THIS DOES NOT BODE WELL. This makes me miss The Passion of the Christ. At least that had a few movie stars and some violence. Next up: the Mormon film movement. Oh wait... that's already started... and it's on this list.

1. Twilight -- Dear Fat Girls of America, I know times are tough. I know how it feels to be overweight, and unpopular, to feel that no one really understands you and to wallow away at night, lying in your big bed, snacking and wishing there was an effeminate vampire boy-child to come steal you away and show you how shiny he looks in the sunlight. (I don't). But this is not the answer. I say it again, ma'am: THIS IS NOT THE ANSWER. I know it's too late to stop this train, but let us all agree that the Twilight books make Harry Potter look like Proust. And even worse, the Twilight film makes Disaster Movie look like The Leopard.

3. His best films of 2008 list. Namely, it didn't include Benjamin Button and Slumdog Millionaire. I watched both and liked both but, particularly with Slumdog, didn't think it was OH MY GOD! THE MOST AMAZING MOVIE EVER. I loved Danny Boyle's directing, as I always do, but I knew the ending halfway into the movie even though I hate guessing what happens and willfully fight against it. When people in my theater gasped at the last question, I was like, "Are you kidding me? Seriously, where have you been for the past 2 hours?" It was a feel good movie, though with moments of brutal violence, that's sort of become more than it is. Kind of like Andre Iguodala. Flashy, moments of brilliance, but not quite at the top tier. Yet. Here are some movies that did make his list.

10. Iron Man -- Just fun.

8. Tropic Thunder -- It still bothers me that we live in a culture where Tom Cruise has to do public penance for being crazy by embarrassing himself with ridiculous dance moves. But almost everything else I enjoyed. I think it would have been better, as it was supposed to be, with Owen Wilson in the Jack Black role, though.

6. Let the Right One In -- A slap in the face to all that is bad in the world of cinema. Quite literally the anti-Fool's Gold. It's exactly what we need.

Kind of In Love with Will Leitch

2009-02-03T23:25:00.000-08:00

I didn't know Will Leitch of Deadspin fame had his own blog, but I was on one site that linked to another site that linked to The Will Leitch Experience. Aside from pointing me to Shaq's (in)famous Twitter and a hilarious Batman cartoon, I was pleasantly surprised by his choice of movies, including one of my absolute favorites this year, The Class.

The Class, based on French bestseller "Entre les Murs" (Between the Walls), is a docudrama of the experiences of one inner city, Parisian middle school teacher. François Bégaudeau, the author of the book, plays himself in the movie. Though Bégaudeau and the students are novice actors, they give the most realistic, honest portrayals that you feel like you're a fly on the wall of a real classroom. Every time Bégaudeau seems to be making progress with his students, something happens that knocks him back 2 steps. That constant wearing down comes to a head when he loses his temper and tells two of his female students that they're acting "like skanks."

This totally hit close to home because when I first started teaching, I was Amy Adams...on crack. I was so positive and conviced I was going to be the change I wanted to see. Yada yada yada. Now I'm like one flask of bathtub gin away from being Miss Hannigan. Thanks to French bureaucracy, the French middle schools I taught at were similar enough to the one in The Class.

Leitch writes:

During some of the rougher “battle” rapport sequences between Francois and the class, it began to strike me almost as a war film. Upon further reflection, though, that’s not quite right: It’s a prison film. The teachers here are guards, acutely aware that the notion of “rehabilitation” is for academics and theorists; they’re just trying to avoid a riot. Maybe you can catch a kid’s attention for a second, plant a seed, but mostly you just do your best to make it through and cross your fingers that something sticks. Parents and administrators — other than the school’s principal, who has the world weariness of a man who desperately would love to give up, but can’t, at considerable expense — are people who get in the way, like civil rights lawyers at a prison. Sure, everyone would like everyone to get along and turn into Mr. Holland and his opus. But these teachers, these prison guards, these ones out in the field, they’re too busy putting out fires. And their faces show it, and show how they once felt so differently, long ago.

All in all, a fantastic movie with more insight than anything that's come out of Hollywood in a while. Give it a chance even though it is in French, which usually has guys running for the hills. That's why I'm kind of in love with Will Leitch. He gives foreign and non-mainstream movies a chance and then can speak eloquently about them. I watched The Secret of the Grain today and as usual, it was me and a bunch of little old ladies. I lost the last person who indulged me after taking them to Let the Right One In, which I still maintain was a very good movie. Vampires, especially Swedish vampires that don't sparkle, are just not for everyone.

Kobe Bryant, "Genus"

2009-02-03T22:58:00.000-08:00

Spike Lee was interviewed after Kobe's 61 at MSG the other night and he said, "You don't have to be Albert Einstein...You can have genuses in sports, too." I rewound my DVR 5 times to make sure I heard it correctly. I did.

All Star Injuries

2009-02-03T22:08:00.000-08:00

Chris Paul - selected to his 2nd All Star game, his first as a starter - strained his groin but is listed day-to-day.

Jameer Nelson - selected to his first All Star game - tore something in his shoulder and may have to have season-ending surgery.

Although I'm sure a strained groin isn't pleasant, this totally sucks for Jameer. He was having a breakout season and totally pumped for the All Star Game. He talked to John Thompson last week about what an honor it would be for him. More impressively, he didn't cry in a John Thompson interview. That's truly a feat considering what Thompson was pulling out, such as the unexpected and still mysterious death of Jameer's father last year. I was ready to start bawling, but Jameer held it together and talked about the kind of man his father raised him to be. Sniff sniff. I really hope his injury isn't serious and he gets to finish the season. I know I'm totally a sucker for those Beyond the Glory personal interviews, but Jameer Nelson (damn, I keep typing Jammer) really seems like a sincere guy who's fought uphill his entire basketball career and earned every stripe. Fortunately, I don't think this will be his last All Star selection. Now who's gonna be Dwight's wingman in the Dunk contest?

Happy Groundhog Day (Yesterday)

2009-02-03T21:49:00.000-08:00

6 more weeks of winter, for part of the country anyway. It was 80 degrees here today! I wish it would be a little cooler. Okay, maybe not.

Photo Source: Sean Delonas for the New York Post

Super Bowl and SingStar: The Wrap Up

2009-02-03T07:20:00.000-08:00

First off, let me start by saying Jennifer Hudson, Jennifer Hudson, Jennifer Hudson. Amazing. Ignoring her back story for just a minute, that performance was one for the books. Then, taking in consideration everything that's happened to her in the past few months, it just blows my mind. I can't imagine going through what she went through, rather I don't want to imagine having to go through what she went through, because I would either be in a coma or a murderous rage. It's truly gratifying to see that her spirit and her talent are indomitable. She'll be back on top soon enough.

I watched the game at my best guy friend's house. He and his partner always have the most amazing snacks, including a chocolate fountain this year. Usually, I just tell him who to root for, but this year he announced that he was rooting for the Steelers. I was so proud and totally surprised. Then I thought about it for a second and was like, "Wait a sec, Ben's not cute. How did you make your pick? Did you actually watch ESPN?"

"Nope. Mother Jones."

This is why we've been friends for over 10 years even though we only met at a 6-week summer program. Only he would base a Super Bowl pick on either the hotness of the quarterback or Mother Jones. And only he would use the Super Bowl as a guise to really have a SingStar party. The group was probably split 40/60 on those who came for the Super Bowl and those who came for SingStar. I happened to be sitting next to someone who came for SingStar during the insane 4th quarter. With about a minute left, my knees were in my chest and I was mumbling "come on, baby, come on, baby, come on, baby" when I heard him say, "I think she's speaking in tongues." My head whipped around so fast it probably did seem like I was possessed and then, to further validate the Linda Blair comparison, I roared, "Listen, bitch, now is NOT the time to start with me!" After the Santonio Holmes touchdown and the remaining 35 seconds - during which I was nervous the ENTIRE time (way to inspire confidence, #1 defense), unfortunate sap sitting next to me and I made up with a SingStar duet. It really does bring people together.

As for the halftime show, I think we watched 30 seconds of it - enough for a Kathy Griffin sighting and a few 'Did Bruce throw out his back?' comments - and we were done. Did I mention there was a chocolate fountain? It held way more interest than Bruce.

The two most popular topics were Brenda Warner (obviously) and Chris Kemoeatu. Poor Chris. Every time the camera zoomed in on his face stuffed to within an inch of its life in his helmet, everyone went nuts. Do they not have different size helmets? Does Chris Kemoeatu really have to wear the same size helmet as Darren Sproles? Seems unfair. As for Mrs. Warner, well, the Kim Zolciak hair and makeup didn't help, but she's trying. It still didn't go over well with the crowd of bored, bitchy gays but they also hadn't seen the before picture. Hmm, would you rather be called a tranny or a grandma? Whatever, 5 kids later, she must be doing something right.

Some final thoughts: Who the hell was that sideline reporter with Andrea Kremer? How do you get to cover the biggest sporting event of the year when no one knows who the hell you are? Were Michelle Tafoya and Pam Oliver bound and gagged somewhere? Who do I have to sleep with to get that job next year?

And to Mike Wilbon, Mr. NBA, how do you not know and Tony know Santonio Holmes was doing the Lebron? Tony watches like 2 games a year! C'mon Mike! (By the way, he thought Holmes was doing a salt and pepper shaker with the ball.)

Reasons #476 and 477 Why I Love Shaq

2009-01-31T03:43:00.000-08:00

#476. He Twitters and calls other people who Twitter "Twittereans" and "Twitter bugs."

#476a. He keeps trying to get Steve Nash to join Twitter.

#477. I LOVE True Blood. Love it, love it, love it. And the fact that Shaq is from Bon Temps, home to vampires, shape shifters, and Lafayette, just adds to his mystique.

Note on True Blood: I know it's totally annoying when someone says "You MUST watch this show!" so I'm not going to do that. Instead, I'm just gonna say you MUST watch this scene. This is why Lafayette Reynolds is my favorite character on any show right now.

Only in LA

2009-01-31T03:26:00.000-08:00

I was at the dealership last week getting my car serviced (and getting raped in the ass with service charges in the process, but that's neither here nor there) when a clip of Alonzo Mourning's retirement press conference came on. A woman walking by glanced at the TV and then stopped dead in her tracks. "What's going on?! Who died?" she asked. I looked at her curiously and said, "What are you talking about? No one died." Then she goes, "Why is he mourning?" As calmly as I could manage without laughing in her face, I let her know, "Because that's his name." Jesus.

Cristiano Ronaldo + Matt Leinart =

2009-01-30T23:15:00.000-08:00

Fernando Verdasco

Back to Blogging

2009-01-30T22:40:00.000-08:00

Even though there have been some fantastic games since the season started, I just haven't been in the mood to blog. I don't know whether it was basketball ennui or blogging ennui. All I know is that I was totally over Lebron and his crab dribble and his will-I-or-won't-I-go-to-New-York, and since the League has become Lebron-centric, my lack of enthusiasm for The Chosen One spread to my feelings about the NBA in general. Rather than blogging if something cool happened or a good game was on, I GOOP'd it and texted or emailed my friends instead.

Then, a few nights ago, I was at Borders minding my own business and reading the latest Sports Illustrated. And no, I don't think Peyton is that funny except when he's losing to the Chargers. Haha. These two girls sat down near me and started talking loudly. I tuned them out for the most part, but then I heard one of them say "Tim Duncan." Curiosity got the better of me since most LA girls talk about Kobe or Luke. Despite their horribly bleached hair, I thought about my resolution to be less judgmental and listened in. (It's not eavesdropping if they're talking at full volume in a public place.) Well, Tweedledee proceeded to tell Tweedledum about how "Tim Duncan sucks." As if that wasn't bad enough, she started in on Manu Ginobili - pronounced with a hard G - and how "he sucks too and is sooooooooooo terrible and I just don't understand his hair." Well, that did it. I whipped out my phone and started GOOPing my friends. As I was transcribing the conversation as succintly as possible (OMG dumbass bitch @ Borders talkin shit bout Timmy n Manu..can't even pronounce Ginobili), Tweedledee upped the ante by saying, "I'm soooooo excited about Nate Robinson being in the dunk contest! He's sooooooo good. It's gonna be sooooooo good. He's, like, the best dunker ever." At this point, I think I dropped my phone and just started staring at them openmouthed. I recovered, picked up my phone, and blitzkrieged my friends with even more texts. This chick has nothing on me. Finally, after the 5th text in a 30 second span, I got a text from my cousin. "Can you please start blogging again. I don't care about your precious Timmy or Manu and I don't even know who Nate Robinson is. If not Lakers, I don't care."

This is why family is so important. I accidentally texted some people who don't know a basketball from a football, and they responded with a polite "That sucks, Mags" or "Yeah....who doesn't know how to pronounce Ginobili." But family, those bastards tell you like it is. So here I am with renewed vigor. Plus, I just got a BlackBerry so I'm no longer standing in shame when I pull out my phone and the 12-year-old next to me has a way better one. Therefore, for the sake of my dear family and friends (and to play with my new toy), NBA's Finest is back.

Random note: I'm babysitting my friend's adorable 6-month-old right now so Mommy and Daddy don't lose their minds, and Adele is baby crack. The baby started fussing when she woke up and realized her mom wasn't here, but the minute I turned on Adele, bam! Head down, back to sleep. It's crazy. Now I can put away the Nyquil.

Reason #475 Why I Love Shaq

2009-01-30T04:46:00.000-08:00

Look at that entrance. Who else but Shaqovic could pull that off? And look how happy everyone, especially Robin Lopez, looks to be carrying him. You can watch the clip at the beginning of last night's Inside the NBA here. Miss you, Charles!!

Rafael Nadal Won't Let Me Sleep

2009-01-30T04:04:00.000-08:00

I was all set to go to bed at 2am, a very reasonable hour for me, and then I made the mistake on turning on ESPN2. I was just going to check the score at the Australian Open, assuming Nadal would be taking care of business as usual, but no. He was losing to someone I've never even heard of before, something Verdasco. Now TWO hours later (they've been playing for over 3), they're tied with a set each playing a tiebreak for the 3rd set. And of course now I'm totally riveted and can't stop watching which means I'll have insomnia for the next 3 days. All this for someone who wears capri pants. And he's not even playing Federer!

Update: Rafa just won the tiebreak. He's up 2 sets to 1. I'm going to bed. Good night.

Update #2: Fuck me I'm totally not going to sleep tonight. Do I even like tennis that much? Actually, I love the rivalry between Federer and Nadal. C'mon Verdasco...pull a Djokovic and retire so I can get some sleep!!

Update #3: Verdasco's name is Fernando and he kind of looks like Cristiano Ronaldo. Actually, he's more a mix of Ronaldo and Matt Leinart. Weird. To top it off, he's wearing a puke green shirt. Whatever, Michelle Obama. And now he's up in the 4th. Kill me.

Update #4: Holy hell. It's now 5am and if Leinardo wins this tiebreak, they're going to a 5th set! They've been playing for 4 hours and 13 minutes and Rafa still looks like he could run a marathon afterward. Nope, spoke too soon. He's down 0-3 in the tiebreak. C'mon Rafa! Despite Verdasco's effort, now that I get the Matt Leinart vibe from him, I can't cheer for him in the slightest. Sorry, Cardinal fans but I don't think you're cheering for him either at this point. Fuckity fuck Verdasco's one point away from a 5th set.

Update #5: 5th set. Why. Why did I have to turn on ESPN2.

Update #6: So I decided to Google Fernando Verdasco to find out more about the man keeping me up and...gross. This just goes to show: ladies, whenever you get the Matt Leinart vibe from a guy, trust your instincts and run the other way!

Update #7: Both Nadal and Verdasco are left-handed. I've always wanted to be a leftie.

Update #8: Goddamn! The men's final is Saturday night-Sunday morning before the Super Bowl. Basically, I won't sleep til Monday.

Update #9: 2-2.

Update #10: Have you ever tried Nocilla? It's the Spanish version of Nutella but they have a white chocolate version too. It's amazing. I would totally trade Pau Gasol for one jar of Nocilla Duo. Wait a sec. (Lightbulb going off.) Maybe that's what the Lakers really gave Chris Wallace for Pau.

Update #11: 3-3. Match nearing 5 hours.

Update #12: Possible break point for Nadal. C'mon Rafa!!! And.....of course not because this game will last forever. Another chance for break point. Nope. Game Verdasco. 4-4. Kill meeeeeee.

Update #13: Triple match point for Nadal. Don't believe it. Yup, Verdasco pulled it out. Double match point for Nadal. Nope. Match point. What the hell...the match just ended on a double fault. Are you kidding me??????? 5+ hours and the match ends on a double fault at 6:10am. I hate my life. Good ~~night~~ morning.

Rondo vs. Alston, or "Two Guys Who Can't Fight Staring at Each Other"

2008-03-20T05:30:00.000-07:00

Or so says Charles Barkley. I missed the Celtics-Rockets game on Tuesday night, but luckily, my DVR caught Inside the NBA and Charles's take on the non-altercation between Rajon Rondo and Rafer Alston.

Is there a more influential, iconic athlete in our generation than Charles Barkley? He played with The Greatest Ever and retired 8 years ago, and yet his name still pops up in regular conversation. I caught an episode of Keeping up with the Kardashians the other day (I'm embarrassed to say), and Bruce Jenner brought up the Chuckster's infamous "I am not a role model" quote to teach Kim a lesson. No, not on how to not act like a slut, but how not to act like a diva because that would negatively influence her younger sisters. I also read an article in SI on pigeon racing awhile back and the author describes pigeons as "the Charles Barkleys of the natural world: unassuming and bottom-heavy yet surprisingly athletic."

I'd rank Charles ahead of MJ, Tiger Woods, and Brett Favre on a scale of influence because while the latter 3 are icons in their respective fields, Charles's influence reaches well beyond the scope of his sport, due in part to his willingness (and the reticence of the other three) to state opinions on divisive matters. Charles has taken on the Church, homophobia, Democrats, Republicans, racists, feminists, Warriors fans, Suns fans. What a breath of fresh air (sometimes hot air) in a "No comment" era. At the end of the day, we know where he stands and I think people respect that more, even if they don't necessarily agree with his stance. Who knows. I may be wrong, but I doubt it. :)

Who's Bigger: Shaq or Hannah Montana?

2008-02-08T04:36:00.000-08:00

It makes me sad that some chick named Hannah Montana can sell out American Airlines Arena faster than The Diesel and D-Wade. While we're at it, who the hell are the Jonas Brothers? The things parents do for their kids. (PS - Thanks, Mom, for all the NKOTB stuff and you were right.)

Look at Shaq Daddy in his Elmo shirt and hat. He's hands-down the NBA player I'd most want as a dad. And he's doing the good dad thing by playing nicey-nice with the ex for the sake of the kids. Paging Jason Kidd. While we're on the subject of NBA dads, I still can't believe Dwight "Let's Put a Cross on the Jersey" Howard is a dad. Unless you're willing to go to A.C. Green lengths, quit proselytizing, Dwight. And with a cheerleader. How cliche.

Source: TMZ

Joakim Noah vs Hope Solo

2008-01-16T23:57:00.000-08:00

The elective benching of Joakim Noah by his teammates for what they felt was conduct unbecoming of a teammate was viewed by some analysts as veterans merely teaching the rookie a lesson. Some even went so far as to say the team benched him because they care about him and want what's best for him. Bullshit. Hope Solo's benching by her teammates for what they too felt was conduct unbecoming of a teammate was described by SI as "sorority-style vindictiveness" and labeled one of 2007's worst stories.

So why isn't what the Bulls did labeled vindictive, fraternity-style or not? If anything, I think what the Bulls did was worse because they made a private issue public. The U.S. women's soccer team reacted publicly to something a player did in public. Whatever happened between Noah and assistant coach Ron Adams occurred behind closed doors and was taken care of by the coaching staff - hardly unusual, minor story, the end. Then, the players take the unprecedented step of voting to bench him for another game and it becomes a national story that increases the scrutiny on an already unstable team. Now, every laugh and remark is being analyzed to death with he said, he said stories coming out of the locker room. And girls are supposed to be the gossipy, vindictive ones?

Wishing You a G.O. Christmas

2007-12-24T23:07:00.000-08:00

This is the Christmas card I would have sent had any of my friends actually known who Greg Oden was. My best friend is trying to learn, though, and even watched a "Texas Spurs" game. Even more shocking, she's agreed to watch the "Denver Patriots" play the Giants this Saturday. One of my cousins, who just moved to Pennsylvania, is a bit better, though, and said she'd try to go to "a Pittsburgh 76ers game." Sigh. And therein lies the reason I started this blog, which I realize I haven't written in forever, but I will be better in the new year.

Anyway, Merry Christmas!! Eat, drink...I would say don't drink and drive, but if you do, you'll only go to jail for 82 minutes anyway, so whatever. JUST KIDDING!!! Calm down. Seriously though, have a wonderful holiday. Stay warm. Special shout-out to the Heat, who have to endure the indignity of spending the day in Cleveland instead of Miami. I guess it really is Lebron's world.

Hey Big Spender

2007-09-03T16:52:00.000-07:00

According to TMZ, Kobe dropped $21,000 at Blush, a new club at the Wynn, on Friday night. This wasn't a display of magnanimity, but rather a good old-fashioned pissing contest between Kobe and poker player Antonio Esfandiari. It all started when Esfandiari paid for two bottles of Cristal. What nerve! TMZ reports,

"Kobe wasn't about to be shown up by some puny little card player -- and kicked in for five bottles. Antonio, who's used to upping the ante, then switched his order to ten! Kobe ended the competition when he purchased an astounding 15 bottles -- and then left the club!"

No wonder Esfandiari is called The Magician. He magically made $35,000 disappear. It's moments like these that make me really appreciate Micky Arison. Despite his net worth being worth more than the salaries of all the players in the League combined, his flashiest adornment is his tan...and maybe the 2006 NBA Championship ring. Just goes to show that you can't buy taste.

Photo Source: TMZ

Why Lebron Played Extra Special Tonight

2007-08-30T02:07:00.000-07:00

In tonight's game against Uruguay, Lebron scored 26 points, making all 11 of his shots in the process. While some may attribute this to his sterling work ethic - Lebron would never mail in a game - the more likely reason was the presence of two people in the crowd of ~~thousands~~ maybe 2,000. Okay 1,000.

Jay Z and Beyonce watched Team USA beat Uruguay 118-79. As a tribute, Lebron threw up the roc, something he hadn't been doing (thankfully) as much during the tournament.

I just don't get the point of the whole roc thing. First of all, it's a Pilates move. I can never remember the names of all the moves, so I just give them my own names, such as "Jesus H" and "no way in hell." Anyway, there's one exercise on the reformer - I think the original name is shaving or shave to the head or something - where you make a triangle with your hands on your forehead and then extend your arms at a 45 degree angle. When my Pilates instructor first showed me, I just called it the roc to make it easier. Finally, she was like, "Why do you keep calling it that?" So I explained to her that it's an asinine thing Jay Z does that he gets all his followers to do, too. She then asked me why, to which I responded I don't know. So I'll ask this time, why? What's the point of throwing up the roc? And what makes it any different from Doug Christie's hand signals to Jackie? They're both meaningless and insipid and worst of all, unoriginal. It makes the headbop look inspired.

Okay, back to the game. It was close there for a hot second. Carmelo sat out because of his heel. Amare continues to shoot 3's and discovers yet another way to piss Shaun Marion off. Tyson Chandler got some playing time. Despite being down 30, the entire Uruguayan bench stood up and cheered when one of their players pulled down a rebound over 3 USA players. Did I mention the guy was 5'9?

This was the closest game in that it was the longest Team USA had gone without the lead. Tomorrow's game vs Argentina should be even better.

Photo Source: NBAE/Getty Images

What's Stronger Than Oak?

2007-08-29T02:25:00.000-07:00

Not me, not you, and not Charles Barkley.

Charley Oakley was on PTI yesterday looking fit and scaring the crap out of everybody. I will never question his physical ability again. His mental health, maybe, but his physical ability never.

Here are some of the highlights from his interview:

"If somebody call me, I'm ready to go at any time."
When Mike Wilbon referred to Charles Barkley's quote about old guys thinking about coming back - People forget why these guys retired in the first place is because they weren't good anymore. - the Oak got a gleam in his eye and responded with, "He talk more now, he ain't said nothing when he played the game...He couldn't come back, right now. He's about 450. When he see me, we'll talk about that personally me and him. When he hears this interview, he'll know. When I see him, he gonna go the other way."
About what he can bring to a team: "I can bring a lot to a team. Just my presence. I didn't win a championship but I've been to the Finals. I've been around great players who played the game. (Cue video of him with Michael Jordan.) Great coaches. I can bring a lot of influence. And that's what a lot of teams need - detail. You know, like a car wash. Manicure." Then he said something about a flower bed. I think he was still talking about a car wash.
"I can at least make 28 of the 30 teams."
Then, Tony got to the real possible reason of Oak's sudden desire to come back - he's writing a book. When Tony asked if Oak's return was because of his book, Oak responded, "Mmm, it's gonna be my whole career. I'm missing a couple chapters. I think Barkley just took one. If I don't come back, I'm gonna finish the book soon."
Back to Barkley, Oak said he'd give him a car wash, but won't clean out his car because of all the donut boxes in the back.
Of Reggie Miller: "He's a pioneer to the game. He's a class act, but he dress like Pee Wee Herman." (Cue photo of Reggie in a skinny gray suit.)
Finally, Tony and Mike asked Oak to assess his chances of actually playing in the NBA next season. Oak gave it a "6 or 7. You never know."

If Oak comes back, who do you think he would slap first? More so than Orlando, I think Dallas needs him. Finally, Avery would have a player as tough as he is. And we might finally see Mark Cuban get slapped, especially if he wears his Dancing with the Stars costume to a game. Yeah, we need Oak back in the League.

Close(r) Call for Team USA

2007-08-27T23:45:00.000-07:00

Team USA beat Mexico 127-100. It's the closest margin of victory thus far for the Americans. An impressive victory nonetheless, that is, until you see who anchored, literally, Team Mexico. To your right is the starting center for Mexico, Horacio Llamas. According to Wikipedia, he's "the best center Mexico has ever produced." To me, he's more of a (Kings era) Vlade Divac / (any era) Eddy Curry hybrid. At least we can take comfort in knowing that Argentina, the only other undefeated team, only beat Mexico by 21 points.

You gotta give him style points though. Look at him rockin the two-toned sweatband, the black tights, and the white knee socks. Less (we see) is definitely more (to our benefit).

Update: Lang Whitaker describes Horacio as having " the body of John Goodman and the style sense of Turtle from 'Entourage.'" (I don't watch Entourage, but I can only assume a 'Turtle' isn't very attractive.) Also, those aren't Dwyane Wade-style tights, but rather kneepads. Oh Horacio.

I'm just going to copy and paste some of Lang's other observations about Horacio here because they're hilarious, but to read them in full, click HERE.

On a lot plays, Llamas just ends up standing still as everyone runs past him in either direction.
Lamas takes a dribble to his right, then tries to go behind the back with a dribble. This confuses his own body so much that he ends up falling over onto his butt and turning it over. Nolan Richardson takes him out.
USA lobs it inside to Howard and Llamas just grabs him. If a chair had magically appeared on the court at that moment, Llamas would have immediately taken a seat. The man is completely exhausted.
Llamas!! I think he just polished off a pizza and large order of nachos while on the bench.
Kobe drives and Llamas swats the shot! That’s what a rested Llamas brings to the game.
After 90 seconds, Llamas is removed from the game, totally gassed.

Photo Source: FIBA Americas

Manolo Cintron Van Gundy

2007-08-27T19:17:00.000-07:00

He's saying Pat Riley tried to push him out, too.

Leandro: Still Lookin' For His Balls

2007-08-27T18:26:00.000-07:00

Halftime in the Brazil-Puerto Rico game and the Brazilians are down 28-39. The game's not being televised but you can watch a live feed through NBA.com. Right now, I think Leandro is 1 for 9. C'mon Leandro!!

In an earlier televised game, Canada eked out a win against Uruguay. For some reason, Canada kept prolonging the game by needlessly fouling when they were the team up by 6 with less than a minute remaining. Umm, good job, Canada?

Update:

4:37 left in the 3rd quarter, Brazil down 39-52.
Leandro actually has 12 points.
Puerto Rico's coach, Manolo Cintron, looks like the Puerto Rican Stan Van Gundy.

Aww Leandro!

2007-08-26T23:37:00.000-07:00

How can you not love Leandrinho?

Tayshaun's baby-faced Brazilian counterpart, Leandro Barbosa (left), who has been carrying the load for his team, was held to just 4 points tonight. Poor Leandro. Following the loss, he said,

"I knew that [Kobe] was going to come up and defense me and guard me like he did and all I was trying to do was get the ball, but I didn't have many balls in my hand. But that's OK. It's about tomorrow now, let's forget about this."

Hopefully, little Leandro is able to get more balls in his hand tomorrow against Puerto Rico.

Photo Source: NBAE/Getty Images

Game 4: Team USA vs Brazil

2007-08-26T17:53:00.000-07:00

Look who's waiting for you, Leandro!

Tonight at 6pm PST (early!):
Team USA vs Brazil
ESPN2

Update: Actually, it's NOT starting at 6pm because of a WNBA game. Sorry! Seriously, are you kidding me?

Update #2: Okay, the score is 8-0 so we haven't missed much, but just as I hate to miss the previews before movies, I don't like missing the beginnings of games!

Update #3: The crowd is chanting "Kobe." Is it too late to switch back to the WNBA game?

Update #4: :)

Photo Source: NBAE/Getty Images

Thou Shalt Not Take Sheed's Name in Vain

2007-08-22T23:31:00.000-07:00

Ode to Photoshop Eva

2007-08-15T06:12:00.000-07:00

Oh Eva, Eva. Your beauty is as wondrous as the computer it was created on. As flawless as the graphic designer who toiled to make it just so. Some people look at you and see perfection, but Tony looks at you and sees dark circles and malnutrition.

I recently catalogued my magazine collection and I have over 200 back issues of Vogue, W, and Vanity Fair. (For those of you who don't know me, that's only the tip of the crazy meter. They are all in perfect or near-perfect condition.) I love the pictures, clothes, articles, everything. However, I am well aware of the power of those images to fuck a girl up, especially if she starts thinking those images are real. Well, they're not. Even with the best makeup artists, photographers, lighting, etc, Eva Longoria's never going to look like Eva Longoria without Photoshop. So, girls. Don't feel bad about yourselves when you can make those getting paid a shitload of money to feel bad about themselves. Hello! They can afford the therapy. And guys, always make sure you know what a girl looks like in the morning. And love her all the more.

Addendum: My friend's mom told me that guys also better look at a girl's childhood pictures because you never know who's had what done! LOL. Mama knows best!!

Photo Source: iWANEX Studio (there's more where that came from) via Dlisted

More Gatorade

2007-08-12T18:50:00.000-07:00

While we're on the subject of Joakim Noah, I thought I'd finally do a profile on him. However, it's not often that an NBA parent outshines his son in fame or female fans. So rather, this is a post on NBA's Finest father-son tandem: Yannick and Joakim Noah.

Yannick Noah - the man pictured here in his underwear, as he is throughout billboards in France - is a living legend. After winning the French Open in front of a title-starved home crowd, he married (and divorced) Miss Sweden, and remade himself into a pop idol and cultural icon. At 47, he's filling up concert venues throughout Europe and campaigning with presidential hopefuls during his spare time.

Son, those are some mighty big shoes to fill. But Joakim's not doing too badly himself.

2006 Most Outstanding Player of the Final Four
2006 Most Outstanding Dancer of the Final Four*
2007 9th overall pick by the Chicago Bulls
2007 Most Distinguished Dancer of the Rookie Photo Shoot**

*By outstanding, I mean enthusiastic.
**By distinguished, I mean interesting.

Personally, much like Corey Brewer, I think Joakim's pretty fantastic with a capital F. He's just cool. So cool, that he could wear a bow tied seersucker suit and still look good. He reminds me of Terrence Howard (before he lost his mind) as Spaceman in Sunset Park. He also has that "man in a park without a care or worry" Andy Dufresne stroll - you know, before he was raped by the Sisters. Luckily, I don't think that's something Joakim has to worry about in Chicago, no matter how pretty he is. I find him to be immensely watchable and, after Kevin Durant, the rookie I'm most excited to see. Until then, this will have to tide me over:

Photo Source: Sloggi, NBAE/Getty Images

Kobe Clarifies Questions About Wife

2007-08-10T08:10:00.000-07:00

Yes, she can read. At a 5th grade level no less!

Further dispelling rumors that he and Vanessa are headed for divorce, Kobe told Jimmy Kimmel their fights are actually about ~~rape~~ Harry Potter. She reads the books, he watches the movies, she then tries to spoil the movie. Would that I could be a fly on the wall during those discussions.

While Kobe was busy showing that he's a big nerd who names his dog Dumbledore (Mamba my ass! More like Dumbledork), Kimmel showed his complete lack of soccer knowledge. When Kobe said his favorite athlete was Ronaldinho, Kimmel first responded "who?" before asking if he was retired. Seriously, even Posh knows who Ronaldinho is. Then again, it might just have been the way Kobe said it. He tried the whole I-can-speak-a-foreign-language accent. Whatever, Madonna. You can watch it here. Meanwhile, Kimmel-ites can watch the one and only Ronaldinho here.

Mom to Watch: Ann Iverson

2007-08-10T07:27:00.000-07:00

An oldie, but a goodie. The clip, not his mom!! I love you, Mrs. Iverson!

Message to Reggie Miller and Charles Oakley

2007-08-09T07:47:00.000-07:00

Photo Source: Wire Image

2007-08-08T23:45:00.000-07:00

Photo Source: Deadspin

Basketball Without Borders: France

2007-08-08T23:40:00.000-07:00

Ronny Turiaf (Lakers), Boris Diaw (Suns), Yakhouba Diawara (Denver Nuggets), and Mickael Pietrus (Warriors) show their true bleu colors in Paris, minus their compatriot Tony Parker, who bowed out due to injury. Also in attendance were Luol Deng (Bulls), Chris Duhon (Bulls), and Bo Outlaw (Magic).

Did you know Boris's middle name is Babacar? Mrs. Boris Babacar Diaw. Just kidding. I don't want to be had (p110). I'd rather be Mrs. Chukwuemeka Ndubuisi Okafor. Incidentally, Emeka will be at the next BWB camp in South Africa!! I'm so jealous. I've wanted to go to Johannesburg forever. If anyone wants to see a really good documentary about South Africa, watch Amandla. It traces the struggle against apartheid through song. The music is absolutely amazing.

Photo Source: NBAE/Getty Images

The T-Wolves: So Young And Yet Still So Unhip

2007-08-08T07:19:00.000-07:00

The Timberwolves held a press conference yesterday to unveil their new young, sexy lineup. One of the attendees was Craig Smith, a 24-year-old out of Boston College who's entering his 2nd year in the NBA.

As if to show that Kevin McHale isn't the only out-of-touch member on the team, Smith wore a Vote for Pedro shirt. A must-have item...3 years ago. It'll look nice sitting next to one of Kevin's sweaters. Gotta love the new look T-wolves!

Photo Source: NBAE/Getty Images

NBA Parent Rank

2007-08-07T06:53:00.000-07:00

While I look for my NBA Rookies tape, I thought I'd make a fun little NBA Parent ranking. These are just some people who've impressed, amused, or inspired me. I think they serve as a good counter-model to Hollywood/sports parents who, because of their child's earning potential, forget the role they're supposed to play. The parents listed here are also probably the closest to my Mom, who wasn't afraid to kick a little ass (both literally and figuratively) when need be.

I may revisit this list for future posts before the season starts. 84 days and counting...

Previous posts: Shirley Garnett, John Nash

Babies!

2007-08-07T03:37:00.000-07:00

Awww!

I love seeing athletes play the role of Daddy. Big, strong men with babies, in general, is one of the most endearing sights but it's that much sweeter when they're with their own. Two examples here are Dwyane Wade with son Zaire and Tracy McGrady with son Laymen. How cute is baby T-Mac??? And Z. Wade is growing up fast. Here's the last picture I saw of him. Dwyane brought Zaire with him to an appearance at Cottage Grove Middle School in Ford Heights, Illinois and Tracy brought Laymen to his charity softball tournament in Houston.

Also, I watched The Run: Steve Nash on NBA TV the other day and Steve has the cutest little twin girls, Lola and Bella. They were prancing around the locker room in little fairy outfits while Steve was asking for a "besito." Too cute.

Photo Source: NBAE/Getty Images

NBA Political Contributions

2007-08-07T02:19:00.000-07:00

There's a fun little thing on Huffington Post that allows you to see who's giving what to whom. It lets you track donations by either name or address. I thought I'd try some NBA names and see who popped up. So far, Barack Obama is leading the race in the NBA. Here are the results:

Execs:
David Stern (Ruler): $4600 to Hillary Clinton
Billy King (Sixers): $4600 to Barack Obama
Jerry Colangelo (Suns): $2300 to John McCain
Robert Sarver (Suns): $2100 to McCain
Wyc Grousbeck (Celtics): $4600 to Barack and $2300 to Mitt Romney
Danny Ainge (Celtics): $2300 to Romney
James Dolan (Knicks): $2300 to Hillary
Magic Johnson: $2300 to Barack

Players:
Stephon Marbury: $2300 to Barack
Baron Davis: $2300 to Barack
Grant Hill: $2300 to Barack

Others:
Ahmad Rashad: $2300 to Barack
Arn Tellem (Agent): $2300 to Barack

A lot of the "superstars" - Kobe, Lebron, Dwyane, KG, AI, Tracy - haven't given anything. I wasn't surprised by that, but I thought I'd at least see Adonal "Democracy Matters" Foyle or Charles Barkley on the list. I was surprised to see Steph on there. Perhaps I've underestimated him.

There were 4 listings for Michael Jordan - 3 that couldn't be him and 1 that might. The one that might is retired from Washington DC and gave $2100 to Barack.

Anyway, try it out. It's kind of stalkerish in that it lists the address of the donor, too. So whether you're interested in politics or stalking, here's the tool for you.

Big Earl Smith and Linda Shanklin: The New Sheriffs in Town

2007-08-06T02:45:00.000-07:00

Recovered post from July 13, 2005.

Iggy and Mom

I don't care if you're Andre Iguodala or Horace Jenkins. Your parents need to come with your ass to whatever city you end up.

End of original post.

So I thought I'd finish this post, but I have no idea what I was going to say. I vaguely recall that I started writing this after watching an episode of NBA Rookies and thinking that Andre's mom and JR's dad were two of the coolest, most level-headed parents around. I remember taping the show - this is before I went DVR - but I have like 30 tapes from the past 2 years that I'd have to go through in order to find that episode. Hopefully, a few of them are labeled. If I ever manage to find the tape and recover my train of thought, I'll finish this post.

Art Imitating Life

2007-08-06T00:34:00.000-07:00

Rick Fox is getting ugly, as in Ugly Betty, a great show I discovered a whole 2 months ago. Next, I'll hear that Pluto is no longer a planet. Can you tell I have my finger on the pulse? I didn't realize that when I moved to France, I'd be moving back in time. Just kidding. Kind of. :)

I actually had one of the best experiences of my life living in France and I'd highly encourage it to anyone with even a modicum of interest. I never understood players who thought playing overseas was a death sentence. Yeah, it's not the NBA and you don't make NBA money, but you can really make a nice life for yourself. Look at Mike D'Antoni, Joe Bryant, and Tony Parker, Sr. I'm loathe to agree with anything Stephon Marbury says, but I totally see his point about moving to Italy after his NBA days are over...except for the whole David Beckham analogy. Who you kidding, Steph?

Anyway, how did I get on this topic? What was I talking about? Oh yeah, Rick Fox. His ex-WAG, Ms. Wilhelmina Slater herself, took pity and got him a role as her bodyguard for the upcoming season. It's nice to know that all pro-athlete marriages don't end with the scorched earth policy preferred by the likes of Joumana Kidd and Jean Strahan.

Source
Photo Source: Wire Image

The New and Improved Kyle Korver

2007-08-02T04:11:00.000-07:00

I'm thoroughly enjoying Kyle Korver's transformation into the Angelina Jolie of the NBA. Not that he's out adopting kids from all over the world or anything, but in his commitment to charity work at home and abroad. When Kyle participated in Basketball Without Borders China in '05 (above, right), I thought he was doing it because he was relatively new to the League and well, David Stern made him. I figured it was a one-shot deal and then we wouldn't hear from him until he turned up in Page Six with Tara Reid. But since then, he's organized a coat drive in Philly and returned to BWB in Brazil (above, left). It's nice to know he's not just a pretty face.

Additionally, his teammate Sam Dalembert deserves major props. Not only in Sam participating in BWB Brazil, he's also going to the European camp in Paris afterward. Sam has also raised tens of thousands of dollars for his native Haiti. One thing we can say about the Sixers - there's a lot of character on that team.

Photo Source: NBAE/Getty Images

Basketball Without Borders: Brazil

2007-08-02T03:17:00.000-07:00

The official "I'm in Brazil" pose.

The NBA's finest Brazilians - Anderson Varejao (Cavs), Nene Hilario (Nuggets), Leandro Barbosa (Suns), and Rafael Araujo (Jazz) - played host to their fellow players at the latest Basketball Without Borders camp. Some of the attendees included Samuel Dalembert (Sixers), Kyle Korver (Sixers), Shaun Marion (Suns), James Jones (Suns), Luke Walton (Lakers), and Sam Perkins (still alive).

I love the idea of BWB, as I've previously written here and here. But then again, I'm predisposed to like anything involving travel. I just think it's good for young, rich players to see parts of the world they may not otherwise have been motivated to go see, and they also get the benefit of seeing it from a native perspective. Plus, it's totally cool for the kids. One of the kids I met in France was telling me how he was totally excited to meet Boris Diaw this year. I told him not to forget the croissants. (I was thinking of the classic Mike D'Antoni quote from SI. When told during training camp that the French forward hadn't picked up a basketball all summer, D'Antoni quipped, "That didn't mean he had to pick up every croissant in France, did it?") Poor Bobo. It must be pretty tempting since he's a spokesman for La Mie Caline, a yuuuummy boulangerie, and for Kinder Bueno chocolate. Okay, maybe he just needs to rethink his endorsements.

Photo Source: NBAE/Getty Images

More KG Trade Aftermath: The Saddest Person...

2007-07-31T23:55:00.000-07:00

...is the one left behind.

Mark "Mad Dog" Madsen, the ultimate of sidekicks, the pet to two of the biggest alpha dogs in the league - Shaq Daddy and KG - is now looking for a new ~~owner~~ teammate to support.

He started off his blog by saying, "Today I got the unimaginable news that Kevin Garnett was traded to the Boston Celtics." He recounts some fond KG memories before wishing him well and going off to cry in the corner.

People, we must act soon. Guys like Mark Madsen can only exist so long as they have someone to cheer, support, and love and who will, in return, tolerate them back. He only exists by association!!! We need to get a superstar to Minny STAT or else send him somewhere like Phoenix. Hey Peta, this Dog needs a home!

Now Introducing Kevin Garnett, Red Sox Fan

2007-07-31T23:25:00.000-07:00

Celtics fans, it's okay to like Kevin Garnett. He's a Red Sox fan. Or rather, a Red Sox hat fan. Now that that's clear, we may actually be able to talk about basketball in Boston.

At the press conference introducing KG, Danny Ainge went out of his way to clearly delineate KG's loyalties. After Kevin was asked why he decided to let the trade happen, Ainge said,

"The real reason he didn't tell you, is that he has a Red Sox baseball hat collection. He has a tough time wearing those except when he comes to Boston so now he can break out his Red Sox hat collection. He is a big time Red Sox baseball fan."

What a relief. Now just so there's no confusion, Kevin Garnett is a Red Sox baseball fan. And he likes Boston. After his Red Sox comments, Ainge continued with his KG-loves-Boston tirade:

"There was a lot of reports out there of KG not wanting to come to Boston...Those are all false reports. There was a team or two that he liked better than our situation...It had nothing to do with the city of Boston in any way, shape, or form...All the reports out there were false."

Translation: Boston media, be nice to KG.

Photo Source: AP

Drinkin That Gatorade

2007-07-29T06:28:00.000-07:00

Joakim's next...

Good Guys in the NBA is Not an Oxymoron

2007-07-27T07:00:00.000-07:00

Here are two examples of that:

In Buenos Aires, Manu held a clinic for mentally handicapped children. And in Portland, Channing volunteered at Friends of the Children, a mentoring organization. How adorable are those kids! And there's nothing sweeter or more attractive than seeing grown men interacting with children. Good job, boys!

Photo Source: NBAE/Getty Images

Rookies '07

2007-07-27T06:39:00.000-07:00

The rookies gathered yesterday in Greenwich, Connecticut for some NBA Live '08 and the Rookie Photo Shoot. Here are some who stood out.

I've always wondered - if the incoming rookie is clearly the best player on the team, does he still get hazed? Did Lebron ever have to pick up towels or carry all the equipment to the plane? And who's the worst hazer in the NBA? I'm thinking Shaq...or maybe Kobe. I think Shaq would be the most fun and make you do the silliest things. Kobe seems like he'd make you walk to Brooklyn to get him a cheesecake...from LA. I need to check this out.

Photo Source: NBAE/Getty Images

The Man Who Chases Paparazzi (Hint: Not Kevin Federline)

2007-07-26T23:51:00.000-07:00

So guess who decided to join the Michael Vick fray?

Al Sharpton signed a Peta letter that said, "Hurting animals for human pleasure or gain is despicable." What about hurting people for your own gain??? Correct me if I'm wrong, but has he apologized to the Duke lax players yet? Didn't that teach him to keep his sizable trap shut until all the evidence is in?

By the way, Al, you know what sports fans hate the most? People who jump on the bandwagon! So please, jump off and fuck off.

Ass.

Manners, Highlights Style

2007-07-26T23:06:00.000-07:00

Gallant vs. Goofus

What's different about these pictures?

Photo Source: NBAE/Getty Images

Double Asterisk?

2007-07-26T05:02:00.000-07:00

Poor Spurs. When did they become the Barry Bonds of the NBA?

First, Phil Jackson says their 1999 championship should have an asterisk because it happened during the lockout shortened season. Now, in light of Tim Donaghy's bumblings, Suns fans want yet another asterisk placed on a Spurs championship.

I feel for Suns fans, really I do, but I'm sort of over this whole Donaghy thing already. He's an addict who lost control. It happens. Look at Lindsay Lohan. I would hardly call him a "rogue criminal" as if he's some mastermind on par with Kim Jong-Il. Half-a-mind is a more accurate description. If anything, Donaghy is now forcing the NBA to really look at a problem that existed before him and needed to be addressed. Now it is. Let's move on and let the CIA, FBI, and whomever else David Stern has on staff deal with everything else. By the way, I love how Bill Simmons is being hailed as some sort of NBA Nostradamus. He listed the names of the officials of a game he felt was badly officiated - something he's done in the past - but because one of the names listed was Donaghy, he's apparently now a genius. He's about as prescient as Miss Cleo. Now if Bennett Salvatore is ever implicated for game fixing, I'll pay for Simmons's infomercial myself.

Anyway, we just have to accept the fact that the Spurs are a propitious team. (Chance favors the prepared mind. -Louis Pasteur) Suns fans have to get in line behind '02 Kings fans who are still waiting behind '00 Democrats. Really, this is all Bush's fault. :)

The David Beckham Appeal: A Lesson for NBA Players

2007-07-26T00:50:00.000-07:00

Dedicated to my gay boyfriend, who's listened to more than his fair share of rants about games, teams, and players of which he knows not, and who I've neglected in favor of Summer League. David Beckham is the one sports figure who we've been able to have a two-sided conversation about and for that, I am grateful and hopeful for the future. I may get him to a sporting event yet that doesn't involve men's gymnastics!

Team USA

2007-07-24T06:23:00.000-07:00

The Best of the Best.

Kevin Durant: What can I say?? He's going to leave the League better than he found it.

Tyson Chandler: Was he always this hot?

Dwight Howard: I was always kind of upset that he went #1 over Emeka - seriously, the most beautiful man alive - but he's proven himself worthy of the pick and more. His physique is ridiculous and he's grown into quite The Man. His arms are the best in the biz right now.

First game: August 22nd, against Venezuela

Photo Source: NBAE/Getty Images

Hey Peta, China: Calm the Fuck Down!

2007-07-20T17:16:00.000-07:00

Hey Roger Goodell, David Stern: Grow a pair!!

In the media maelstrom following Michael Vick's dog fighting indictment, I'm sure everyone from sponsors to executives to his momma have proffered their advice to the NFL commissioner. While he should take most of them under advisement, one opinion that shouldn't really figure into his decision is Peta's. Seriously, why is everyone stressing about what Peta has to say or what Peta is going to do?? Why is Trey Wingo on ESPN discussing Peta's reaction? Who the fuck cares, especially a network whose existence was, I'm sure, unknown to Peta before they started getting some press. Why is ESPN and the mainstream media legitimizing a protest by a group that is usually preoccupied with terrorizing the wardrobes of 100-pound women? Yes, animal rights are important and dogs shouldn't be abused for sport, but we can figure this out without Peta's input. So can the NFL and Arthur Blank and everyone else not in Michael Vick's entourage. Allegedly.

The NFL and the Falcons organization should take a page from Jean Paul Gaultier's playbook. When Peta protesters stormed the stage and tried to upstage his fashion show, Gaultier had security cover them with fur coats before taking them offstage. Genius. Now let's see if Roger Goodell has enough ingenuity and courage to take on a rabid non-fan base as a 55-year-old gay designer.

Similarly, David Stern needs to take a stand against another fascist group: China. Especially in light of Tim Donaghy's Jose Canseco-like effort to take down the NBA, David Stern needs to re-establish who really runs his league. Is he really going to allow Chinese officials to dictate where a just drafted player plays?? Only Kobe does that! The Commish should just tell China and Yi Jianlian to fuck off. Who needs whom more? The NBA will survive just fine without Yi. Yi, on the other hand, will become a forgotten footnote - a poor forgotten footnote - without the NBA and the millions and millions it has to offer.

So come on, men. Step up. Oh and let 'Sheed finish what he started.

On a Happier Note...

2007-07-20T06:48:00.000-07:00

"Me and Mickey Mouse are going to be here forever!"
-Dwight Howard

Happy Birthday, Gisele! Love, Bridget

2007-07-20T04:24:00.000-07:00

With all the hoopla over England's original WAG moving to the States, I started thinking about who is the ultimate WAG. Some candidates that came to mind were:

Eva "I'm not Bridezilla" Longoria
Vanessa "I forgive anything for some bling bling" Bryant
Joumana "I will not only take down my husband but also the entire Nets organization" Kidd
Jean "I will take EVERYTHING including my husband's masculinity" Strahan
Jackie (No further explanation necessary) Christie

However, the one that superseded all other contenders in all other sports and raised the bar for future WAGs everywhere is none other than the outwardly wholesome Bridget Moynahan. The Queen Bee, as she will now be known, not only announced she was pregnant by her previously untarnished golden boy ex-boyfriend soon after he started dating the world's richest model, but she also retained her virtuous image and made him look like the bad guy for wanting to date the ultimate male fantasy. But the topper, the ultimate FUCK YOU to both Tom and Gisele...Her baby is due today, Gisele's birthday. You think that might cause a little rift between a couple? Jennifer Aniston is somewhere crying about how Bridget got all the karma in the world.

So let's check the scoreboard here:

Bridget got the baby she always wanted, fathered by the guy she wanted, and she managed to look like the victim in the process.
Tom got the supermodel he wanted, but forever shattered his perfect image. Forget his future political aspirations, his current image is what he needs to be thinking about. I'm sure Boston fans would have wholeheartedly forgiven him his baby-mama drama and welcomed him back with open arms, but...BUT...he wore a Yankees cap!!!!!!!! In public!!!!!!!! Yet another point for Bridget as Tom has seemingly lost his mind.

All Bridget needs to do is write a hit song about this and she'll be on par with Justin Timberlake on Bill Simmons's Vengeance Scale. So while we ponder Tom's once providential fate - seriously, Tom, what's going on with you?!?!? - we can only lift our glasses to the Queen as she awaits the arrival of her son on Gisele's birthday.

Fashion Flash

2007-07-12T02:17:00.000-07:00

One of the reasons why I loved David Lee's shirt was that it was so unassuming. That's a trait I love about Dwyane Wade as well, which is evidenced here, here, and here.

Even though be was a burgeoning superstar, he never seemed to buy into his own hype.

However, at the BET Awards on June 26th, Dwyane wore a white blazer emblazoned with a flash, his Shaq-given moniker.

Now I don't know whether that was a one time hey-wouldn't-it-be-cool thing, but hopefully, it's not the start of something similar to Shaq stamping the Superman logo on anything and everything he owns. Don't get me wrong, I love Shaq, but Shaq is so uniquely his own charmingly constructed persona that to attempt to duplicate it just doesn't work.

That being said, I can't wait to see Dwyane at the ESPYs. And hopefully, he still doesn't have an entourage.

2007-07-07T05:00:00.000-07:00

Everybody Wants to Be Like Lebron

2007-07-06T02:05:00.000-07:00

Originally meant to be posted 2 weeks ago. My bad.

Basketball and politics are two subjects I'm passionate about -- I majored in poli sci and spent ~~the majority~~ a fair amount of time watching basketball -- but it's not often, especially in the Michael Jordan era, that these two topics merge. Well, leave it to the man currently bringing divergent groups of people together to bring these two topics together, too.

In a new book by David Mendell, Barack Obama is quoted at the 2004 Democratic National Convention saying,

"I'm Lebron, baby. I can play on this level. I got some game."

Initially, my reaction was just to chuckle...or is it giggle...Do girls chuckle? Anyway, the more I thought about it, the more prescient I found his statement to be. Remember, this was back in '04 when nobody outside of Illinois and the Democratic cognoscenti knew who Barack Obama was. He was a rookie senator about to take the national stage for the first time, as keynote speaker, no less! He was unproven but well hyped. Since then, you can say he's officially made the Leap, raising $32.5 million in one quarter and surpassing his rivals by at least $10 mil. Now the question remains: which Lebron will Barack be?

Season 3 Lebron - He'll get a lot of press, make a lot of money, and be thisclose to reaching the next level, but he'll ultimately fail to make it out of the primary round.
Season 4 Lebron - He'll demolish his Democratic rivals but get crushed by the behemoth from Texas.
Season 5 Lebron???? - Perhaps President Obama will inspire his inspiration.

By the way, I'm still torn between Barack and Hillary.

Yao Ming to Marry his Super Tall Girlfriend and Have Super Bionic Babies

2007-06-26T03:13:00.000-07:00

In accordance with the dreams of the Chinese government and David Stern, Yao and his girlfriend, Ye Li, are now engaged and set to marry in August. Ye Li is roughly 6'3" to 6'5", depending on whom you ask, and also a basketball player. They've been together for 8 years, but hopefully their genetically engineered progeny will populate the League for years to come. Can't wait til we hear the pitter patter of giant feet.

Congratulations, Yao and Ye!

The Second Coming

2007-06-14T01:43:00.000-07:00

Congratulations to Lebron and his girlfriend on the birth of their second son, Bryce Maximus James!

His older brother is absolutely adorable and I have no doubt the lil' one will follow suit. I can't wait til we see Lebron, Jr. and Bryce vs. Zaire and Zion Wade.

The Unchosen One

2007-06-12T06:16:00.000-07:00

More Boobie, please!!!

I'm not even a Cavs fan, but as a basketball fan, I'd like to see a more competitive, higher energy series, i.e., Boobie!!! I can't believe ratings for Game 1 are down 19% from last year! This is Lebron's first Finals! The 30% decline for Game 2 is understandable considering the Sopranos factor, but still... Maybe Lebron just needs more commercials. (I know it's been awhile since I've blogged, but I hope you know me well enough to detect the sarcasm.)

I'm going to Disneyland!!

2007-02-01T06:01:00.000-08:00

And I didn't even win the Super Bowl. But seriously, Disneyland Paris, Super Bowl, and a bar in France showing the American feed of the game...best weekend ever!

By the way, if you ever want a lesson in futility, try explaining Super Bowl Sunday and buffalo wings to the French. Oh la la.

For all three NFL fans in France, the game is on France 2 (A regular channel! Yay!) at midnight.

My favorite commercial from last year:

Bonjour from France

2007-01-18T08:42:00.000-08:00

By the way, did I mention I moved to France a couple months ago? Hence, the lack of posts as France is not as basketball mad as Tony Parker's publicist leads us to believe. It also doesn't help that I live in the tiniest of towns and I only recently found a cafe offering WiFi. But, as the picture can attest to, it's absolutely lovely.

I haven't forgotten you!!! I just moved to 3 different countries on 3 different continents in less than a year so things have been a little hectic. However, I'm staying put in France for the next couple of months so I should be posting a bit more frequently. A word of warning though - most of my posts will probably be bitter rants about all the games I'm missing, starting with Carmelo and AI's debut together and the Saints-Bears, Pats-Colts games this weekend. I'm dying. It doesn't help that 99.9% of the Americans I've met in France have no interest in sports, didn't know who Carmelo Anthony was, didn't know why I was referring to Isiah Thomas as le grand asshole, etc etc. Anyway, that's enough for today. I'm still recovering from watching 24. Curtis!!! Okay, I'm going to cry in my cafe au lait now.

Merry Christmas

2005-12-25T05:20:00.000-08:00

Mike Luckovich, Genius.

Happy Holidays, everyone.* Keeping with the spirit of the NBA (Shaq vs. Kobe! Kobe vs. Shaq! Kobe said this! Shaq said that!), I plan on feuding with as many people as possible without any actual direct verbal or physical interchange. Translation: I'm gonna scratch and claw on paper like a reject from Mean Girls. 'Tis the season.

As to my prolonged absence from blogging, I'll explain that in more detail later. But thanks for continuing to check up on the site. Actually, I had more visitors when I wasn't writing a thing. I'll choose to ignore that implicit message...bastards. Anyway, it makes me feel a bit like Judi Dench circa 1999 so all is forgiven.

Merry Christmas!!
Love, Courtside

*Note to reader: I can't in good conscience ever ever use the colloquialism "y'all." Too many painful memories of my first - and last - visit to the state of Texas. Except of course if someone wants to gift me with tickets to the All Star game. Floor seats only please. :)

Bravo

2005-09-12T05:15:00.000-07:00

Sir Charles got last night's Hurricane Relief Game rolling by declaring, "We can go a day without 10 episodes of Law and Order." Major props to the NBA, TNT, Kenny Smith and everyone involved for doing a hell of a lot more than the people already profiting from Katrina. In addition to the game last night, players and teams have been helping out all week long.

Avery worked the reporters...

while Jeff van Gundy worked the crowd with his bright red hat.

You gotta love Amare's shirt.

Notice the kid's nervous smile. It's nice seeing Ron Ron back in action, but I'd be a little anxious too with his hands that close to my neck.

Charles's best line of the night, on why the Hornets should play in Atlanta: "If they combine the Hornets' fans with the Atlanta fans, maybe they'll get a full crowd one night." Doesn't matter what the situation is, you can always count on the Chuckster to be the Chuckster.

Grant Hill just being Grant Hill.

Good job, boys.
S.O.S.

And the Winner Is...

2005-08-31T16:55:00.000-07:00

...Not Mark Cuban.

In a move than can only be classified under the "Let's see who laughs last, bitch" category, Michael Finley decided to sign not only with another Western Conference team, but another team in Texas - the Spurs. In the end, Fin rejected the email advances of suns.com and resisted the lure of Shaq on South Beach and decided to go with the team that sent a one-man contingent -- Pop.

But really, who can say no to this face?

Fin will be reunited with another spurned Mav in Nick Van Exel. Ain't vengeance grand?

Speaking of vengeance, I just saw Oldboy and all I can say is Damn! I guess I didn't fully realize what to expect from a movie promising to be a revenge thriller with live octopi and a Korean Gary Oldman, but it was all that and then some. Definitely recommended.

The Mouse that Roared

2005-08-29T01:16:00.000-07:00

Damon Stoudamire has temporarily, but officially, dethroned his ol' buddy Rasheed of his Best Mouth crown.

When asked what he thought of Pau Gasol during the Grizzlies' press conference, Mighty Mouse said,

"His initials are PG, but I want him to be rated R."

Finally, a reason to watch the Grizzlies - no offense, Shane. Aside from the potential of Pau morphing into the tongue-wagging, towel-throwing Dirk that emerged during this year's playoffs, the Grizz also got one of the most likable players in the league - Mr. Bobby Jackson.

Can't wait for the season to start!

The Best Show on TV

2005-07-13T04:13:00.000-07:00

Have you been watching NBA Rookies?

It is laugh out loud, fall off the chair, and pee in your pants hilarious.*

In last week's episode, "All Star Weekend," we got to ride along with the rooks (Andre Iguodala, Emeka Okafor, JR Smith, and Devin Harris) to the Rookie-Sophomore Challenge, but more importantly, we were privy to their pre-game conversation. Here are some of my favorite nuggets:

The boys were talking about their seasons up to the All Star break. Andre says, "We [Sixers] are shooting for first in our division." JR Smith looks at him and says, "We're shooting for 20 games." Guess what team JR is talking about. Yup, the Hornets.
Speaking of the Hornets, Devin Harris started the conversation about guys getting 50, referring to the Dirk Nowitzki-Tracy McGrady shootout. Then someone asked, "Who'd Stoudemire have 50 on?"
JR says, "Us," and then for good measure adds "I never guarded him."
Andre asks him, "Who'd you guard?"
"Van Exel."
Pause. Andre's thinking and then remembers, "Van Exel had 36 that game, too!"
Everyone starts cracking up and JR looks away and mumbles, "Yeah."
They also talked about dunks - who they dunked on and who dunked on them (there's also a little montage to Chris Andersen's anti-performance in the Dunk Contest the night before). Emeka was the first to answer the question of whether he got dunked on. In this little voice, he says, "Turkoglu." (I'd whisper that shit, too! Freakin' Hedo!) He was like, "They put him on Sportscenter. Number four."
The subject of books comes up. Emeka says he's reading Digital Fortress, a Dan Brown book, and asks if anyone read The Da Vinci Code. Andre and Devin pipe up and say they've read it and Andre says he's reading Angels and Demons now. JR, who's been uncharacteristically quiet up to this point, finally jumps in with, "Anybody read Spongebob yet?" (I'm not even going to italicize that. That ain't a book!) Then after Devin asks if they've read the "Laker book," JR says, "I read Harold and the Purple Crayon, dawg." I love JR Smith, but thank God he can ball because otherwise he'd be a very very poor man.
And as promised, an Avery reference. The boys talk about coaches and assistants, and Devin, not realizing the Little General would soon become his permanent head coach, does a spot on Avery imitation saying, "I used to play so hard it was illegal." Poor poor Devin. At least Erick Dampier now has a permanent roommate in Avery's doghouse.

The show has made me absolutely fall in love with Andre Iguodala and JR Smith -- and not because of their basketball prowess either, but because they have the two coolest parents on the planet: Linda (Iguodala) Shanklin and Big Earl Smith. And that leads me to my next post...

* By the way, if you're under the impression that "laughing out loud, falling off a chair, and peeing in your pants" is just another of my many clever expressions, you are mistaken (this time, at least). It actually refers to my roommate sophomore year who did all of the above when racked with laughter...or booze. Why would any baller want to miss priceless memories like that to make millions of dollars?

The Human Highlight Film

2005-07-13T04:04:00.000-07:00

It's here! It's here! I feel like a little girl on Christmas morning. Some benevolent, wonderful (and anonymous) soul found me the link to the Shawn Bradley bodyslam.

And now for your viewing pleasure: The Human Highlight Film.

London

2005-07-09T04:46:00.000-07:00

I'm not someone really prone to public outbursts of emotion. I don't cry during movies except, inexplicably, Cool Runnings and Pocahontas. I think the lowest depth of depravity is people and/or organizations, whether they be terrorist or political, who use senseless tragedies for their personal advancement. That being said, I wanted to acknowledge the situation in London because I felt it would be completely disingenuous not to considering my last 4 or 5 posts have directly or indirectly referenced London in some way. It makes me sick that a day that should have been so jubilant and festive for Londoners instead turned into a bloodbath. It makes me sad that the headline underneath the one announcing the bombings was "British Muslims advised to stay home." In supporting London's bid for the 2012 Olympics, Nelson Mandela said, "There is no city like London. It is a wonderfully diverse and open city providing a home to hundreds of different nationalities from all over the world. I can't think of a better place than London to hold an event that unites the world." I agree. But why wait until 2012? Now seems like a good a time as any to get that event started.

Meanwhile, On the Other Side of the World...

2005-07-06T23:00:00.000-07:00

Manu was doing some schmoozing of his own. Here he is presenting a basketball to Argentine President Néstor Carlos Kirchner.

Manu along with compatriots Carlos Delfino and Andres Nocioni and the omnipresent Dikembe Mutombo were down in Buenos Aires to promote Basketball Without Borders. Manu even got Pop to show up and yell at the kids.

But seriously, between hobnobbing with presidents and kissing babies and housewives, would you be surprised if Manu and/or Tony ended up being the mayor of San Antonio, Paris, or Bahia Blanca?

They both have an aptitude for gladhandling and diplomacy unheard of in Texas. And with Robert Horry signing a new 3-year deal with the Spurs, their team may have just gotten started. If they keep winning, who knows what else the future will hold for these two.

And if that's not enough for you, they've also managed to bring back the flag as national symbol and clothing accessory, all wrapped up in one sacrilegious package.

MJ, eat your heart out.

French: Benched For a Third Time

2005-07-06T22:44:00.000-07:00

Tony Parker, on the right, didn't mince words after London was awarded the 2012 games. He said, "We did everything we had to do...It proves that the committee is Anglo-Saxon. They prefer the English." BBC Sport quoted him as saying he felt "extremely gutted."

The vote was 54-50. That's gotta hurt. And though it's meaningless now, as someone who's worked on enough losing political campaigns, I can appreciate the artistry of the Paris 2012 campaign.

I hope London steps up now that they've won. Because a sign in the yard just ain't gonna cut it.

Crikey: London 2012

2005-07-06T05:21:00.000-07:00

Wow. Jacques Chirac is literally going to have to eat his words...and in front of a gloating Tony Blair, no less. Behold the power of Goldenballs.

The funniest reaction, though, came from HRH Princess Anne who flew down to Singapore in lieu of the Queen.

You can just hear her gasping "Heavens!" and that's about it. There's nothing quite like English, royal reticence. (Can you tell I've been reading Snobs? It's Bergdorf Blondes with a brain...times 10.)

Anyway, congratulations to London. Monsieur Chirac, good luck...you're going to need it.

Adios, Madrid

2005-07-06T03:49:00.000-07:00

Madrid has officially been eliminated from the running - the 3rd city eliminated after Moscow and New York. Here's the reaction according to a BBC reporter Matt Williams, live in Madrid:
Disappointment, shock and surprise - those are the feelings here. They were chanting 'A Madrid' before the announcement but that has now changed and I can't repeat what they're saying now.

Don't you just love the Brits' sense of humour?

And, as I just found out, Madrid even sent someone other than Arantxa Sanchez-Vicario. Look who else decided to join the party in Singapore:

Pow-Pau Gasol. Alas, neither he nor the Spanish delegation's choice of Harry Potter ties did any good. Oh well, there's always 2016. For New York, too. Maybe by then we'll actually manage to put a decent delegation together...perhaps even have a president who can not only talk out of his ass, but can kiss some as well.

I See London, I See France

2005-07-05T23:45:00.000-07:00

But why isn't there a Bush in the IOC's pants?

I'm shocked. No, seriously. Dubya missed a chance to use 9/11 yet again?! Truly shocking. And where was Laura? C'mon Dubya. You telling me you couldn't take Laura out of her cryogenic chamber for one day to show some love to NYC? Then again, considering our esteemed executive's preternatural ability to obfuscate and offend, his not showing up was probably the smarter choice. Actually, Dubya probably saw all the foreign names on the IOC and thought it was just another one of those pesky UN meetings he's always avoiding. Moving on...

London and Paris, the two frontrunners for the 2012 games, brought out the big guns. In addition to both their leaders showing up in Singapore, they also trotted out the two most current, internationally renown athletes in their arsenal:

David "Goldenballs" Beckham and Tony "Goldenballs" Parker.

The French delegation even presented a video directed by Luc Besson and starring Catherine Deneuve. The American delegation on the other hand...

We showed up with Bloomberg, a $5 t-shirt, and a candy bar. Actually, we didn't even bring the candy bar.

No, we sent more than just a shirt off the street. We sent Senator Hillary Clinton and an athletic contingent including Nadia Comaneci (Romanian) and Oksana Baiul (Ukrainian). What a wonderful message to send to the IOC: Give us the Olympics. New York's such a great city that all the world's athletes will want to turn their backs on their home countries and live here instead!

Still as bad as we did, at least we got Muhammad Ali there, too. Madrid and Moscow, on the other hand... Madrid sent Arantxa Sanchez-Vicario, a tennis player whose name no one can pronounce, and Moscow sent these fine specimens of physical achievement:

Should we just start practicing how to say "Let the games begin" in French now? I believe the correct translation is "Haha tout le monde."

Kraft-y Russian

2005-06-30T02:16:00.000-07:00

By far the funniest headline of the day was "Putin pockets Kraft's Superbowl ring!" Apparently, upon meeting the Patriots' owner, Vlad became so dazzled by his 2005 Superbowl ring that he decided to lighten Bob's finger by 124 carats.

Now you see it...

...Now you don't!

The best part - After he straight up jacked him, Vlad got Kraft to say he "gave" the ring to him. Talk about the ultimate politician. Mind you, though, Vlad's a man who's used to taking what he wants, whether it be diamond rings or people's freedom. Poor Bob didn't stand a chance.

On the bright side though, I now know how to get my hands on a PSP. I plan on puttin' a Putin on my friend Dave tomorrow. I've been eyeing his PSP for awhile. I'll let you know if I have what it takes to be a megalomaniacal Russian president.

Jackass of the Month: Freddie Ljungberg

2005-06-28T04:43:00.000-07:00

In lieu of a Commissioner's Pet of the Week, I'm doing a special Jackass of the Month.

The NBA and its players are routinely castigated and villified for being too "hip hop." After the brawl, Rush Limbaugh took time out from insulting Donovan McNabb to declare the NBA was "hip-hop culture on parade...gang behavior on parade minus the guns." Not realizing the Palace of Auburn Hills isn't actually in Detroit, he also renamed Detroit "New Fallujah, Michigan." What a dumbass. Anyway, getting back to the point, one of the things critics point to when decrying the NBA's hip hop influence is the preponderance of tattoos. Too unprofessional, they sniff. Well, last time I checked, no player missed any games because of tattoos.

Now to Freddie Ljungberg, Swedish soccer player for Nick Hornby's beloved Arsenal, Calvin Klein model, wannabe fashion designer, and more impressively, not gay.

Freddie here missed four weeks of the season because of an allergic reaction to the ink in his panther tattoos. Yup, white boy was attacked by his black panther tattoos. If that doesn't qualify for jackass honors, I don't know what does.

Beyond that though, neither Arsenal nor the FA Premier League should really care that I think Freddie Ljungberg is a jackass. I've never attended a Premiership match nor have I ever bought any Premiership merchandise (except that David Beckham Man U poster in '99 ). At best, I've caught a few games on FSN, but it was purely coincidental. Likewise, why should the NBA care if Rush Limbaugh and his neo-Nazi followers think the league is too hip hop? Has Rush Limbaugh ever attended an NBA game in his life? Has he ever bought a jersey, a poster, anything? Why is the league so concerned about losing his support, his money when it never had either in the first place? Who cares if people in Kansas and Oklahoma are offended by tattoos and cornrows! There's a reason why teams aren't there in the first place or why they packed up and said "peace out!" Besides, people in Middle America should be more concerned that their daughters are turning tricks for shopping money, or as Bill Maher would say, "They're selling coochie for Gucci." Leave the NBA to the people who actually care about it, all 9 of us.

Actually, THIS is the Real Reason

2005-06-27T05:19:00.000-07:00

Who gets more women than rappers or athletes? How about a French rapper/athlete. Move over, TI. TP9 showed off his skills at the Spurs' Championship Rally Saturday night, one of those things you have to see to believe. I don't know what was funnier - Tony rapping or Brent Barry dancing. Brent wasn't quite the ghost of Mark Madsen, but you get the idea. If you missed it, or like me you only caught the highlights because NBA TV decided to show a WNBA game instead of airing the rally live, you can check out the video here.

Seriously, how are they not going to show the Champion NBA rally live?? I'm mad, mad as hell because I set my VCR to tape it at its designated time, but they didn't show it until 3 hours later so I missed the whole thing. For real, how can they honestly expect people to be home on Saturday night AND wait through a WNBA game?? Bloody bastards. Anyway, back to the rap superstar.

He even had Beno dancing! If Rasho and Sean Marks got up, this video needs to be immediately immortalized in the White Boy Hall of Fame.

The REAL Reason Eva's with Tony

2005-06-27T05:12:00.000-07:00

"Ball don't lie."

Hardest Job in the NBA

2005-06-27T03:56:00.000-07:00

While we're on the subject of the Pistons...

Meet Kevin Griggs, media relations spokesman for the Detroit Pistons. Think of the media shitstorms this guy has had to deal with this year alone - the brawl, Larry Brown's wanderlust, Rasheed. Whatever they're paying him, it's not nearly enough.

Here he is trying to convince Sheed to talk to the media during team media availability before Game 2. Needless to say, he failed.

The brawl alone would have been enough to make a seasoned pro like Lizzie Grubman drive her SUV through another crowd just to avoid having to deal with the PR nightmare that followed. Add to that the self-perpetuating maelstroms that are LB and Sheed...Well, I imagine it was difficult for Kevin to get up some mornings. Don't get me wrong; as you know, I love Sheed and respect the hell out of the Pistons, but I definitely don't envy Kevin's position. However, I wouldn't mind buddying up to him and getting some courtside seats, baby!

End of an Era

2005-06-26T19:30:00.000-07:00

The year of the belt has officially ended. I just wanted to pay tribute to the brains behind the belt and the team that wore them.

Before Game 4 or even 5 last year, no one thought the Pistons would beat the Lakers. Big Ben was too small, Tayshaun too young, Chauncey too unproven, Rasheed too crazy, and Rip just not Kobe. But they came out together and fought for every last shot, rebound, loose ball, etc. They ultimately ended up overshadowing themselves because they not only beat the Dynasty, they dismantled it.

Rasheed Wallace proved himself as a player and a teammate. Instead of the "cancer" on a losing team, he became the final piece to a championship one. He may not have silenced all his critics - and part of the Sheed appeal is that he never will nor cares to - but he endeared himself to a whole new city of fans who will gladly deafen any haters with chants of "Sheeeeeeed."

It's only fitting that they be beaten by another team effort. They may have adopted the "we don't get any respect" mentality, but anyone who knows basketball - basically, anyone outside of LA - respected the hell out of them and we're going to miss the belts. Who knows - we may be seeing them again very soon.

Eva Longoria and Tony Parker: Trophy Love

2005-06-24T10:40:00.000-07:00

She won her man.

He won his trophy...

Both of them.

Valvoline Guy Came Through!

2005-06-24T10:30:00.000-07:00

Proving once and for all, you don't mess with a good thing when your team is on a streak. Look who else came through in Game 7:

The 3-time Finals MVP.

He may not have been the coolest person before the game, but he was the one clutching the trophy at the end. (There's something gratifying in knowing that for all the differences between men and women, both still want hardware from Tiffany's at the end of the day.) Tim Duncan may not be the most dynamic person in the league, but he is a force to be reckoned with nonetheless. I love that for all his alleged superstar shortcomings off the court - no bling-bling, no fancy clothes, no entourage - he's got the most bling of any player currently on the court: 2 regular season MVPs, 3 Finals MVPs, and 3 rings. (Remember Shaq only has one regular season MVP.) Maybe that's why certain players ice themselves from head to toe off the court - to compensate for all the bling they don't get on the court. Timmy doesn't need to though; he's got all the bling he wants or needs.

Game 6: Two Reasons for Spurs' Loss

2005-06-23T15:22:00.000-07:00

Hubie Brown actually referred to Tony Parker and Manu Ginobili as "cats." This can also be filed under "signs of the apocalypse."

The Indian guy sitting between Hubie and Al Michaels didn't wear his Valvoline/Spurs t-shirt. That guy is getting more play than the entire Pistons' bench. The Spurs weren't having any problems when he was rocking the shirt and blowing kisses at the camera during Games 1 and 2. And then he goes and changes his shirt for Game 6! Doesn't he know you have to respect routine and superstition? Seven years later and Timmy's still wearing his Wake Forest practice shorts backwards. C'mon random Valvoline man, what kind of fan are you!

I Miss Avery

2005-06-23T14:50:00.000-07:00

Speaking of Maverick coaches, I recently got this inexplicable yearning for Avery Johnson. I found it a bit odd considering Pop, my all time favorite coach, is in the Finals right now. But then, I read a quote by David Robinson, Avery's former teammate and best friend, which explained my predicament.

After the Lil' General left the Spurs, the Admiral said, "It's strange not having Avery. You get used to hearing that voice all the time." A ha! I'm sure all of you are also going through Avery withdrawal pangs. It's okay...Just watch NBA Rookies on Spike TV. Avery makes a cameo or two, but besides getting an Avery fix, the show is hysterical. There's nothing quite like seeing brand new multi-millionaires having to earn their rookie stripes and literally sing for their supper. You go, J.R. Smith!

Shawn Bradley Retiring

2005-06-23T00:11:00.000-07:00

Before Darko became the Human Victory Cigar, Shawn Bradley was the Human Highlight Film...for whoever he was defending. He's responsible for more posters and highlights than MJ and Dr. J combined. And now, the Stormin' Mormon is retiring after 12 years of providing us with endless entertainment and even some basketball.

So in honor of Mr. Bradley and Mormons everywhere, here's my tribute to his trailblazing career - the Shawn Bradley highlight reel:

T-Mac's insane dunk over him during Game 2 of the Rockets-Mavs series this year.

Clip of Cuttino Mobley's facial on him during Cat's Rocket days.

January 25, 2000: Getting body slammed by 6'7 Mark Davis and then getting fined $3000 for it. (I would play money for that clip.)

On a sidenote, while we're on the topic of Mormons, here's a brief excerpt from Sarah Vowell's book, "Assassination Vacation":

The egomania required to be president or a presidential assassin makes the two types brothers of sorts. Presidents and presidential assassins are like Las Vegas and Salt Lake City that way. Even though one city is all about sin and the other is all about salvation, they are identical, one-dimensional company towns built up out of the desert by the sheer will of true believers. The assassins and the presidents invite the same basic questions: Just who do you think you are?

I was cracking up while I was reading the book at Coffee Bean today. I looked like Lindsay Hunter after he gets called for a foul. I almost had to slap myself. Why does he get that stupid grin on his face after every call? You're Lindsay fucking Hunter. Robert Horry does that shit, too, sometimes. It must be a Laker thing. I hate that shit.

No Girls Allowed

2005-06-21T17:17:00.000-07:00

After Game 4's embarrassing 31-point blowout, Pop issued an edict declaring "No Girls Allowed." That's right. All wives, girlfriends, and Longorias were banned from the Spurs' hotel for the 3 days leading up to Game 5. The Air Force Academy graduate decided to employ a bunker mentality to get his once focused team back on track.

Erin Barry, Brent's wife, huffed and puffed to no avail and ended up just going back to San Antonio.

I don't know who Ms. Thang thought she was dealing with, but I doubt Pop is the type of man who's likely to be swayed by either bitching or moaning.

I guess the message here is when you can't appeal to a man through his stomach, look lower. What other coach would have the balls to do this?? Mo Cheeks could barely ban popcorn from his locker room. At what point do we just bow down and call him "Master?"

Happy Birthday, Darko!

2005-06-20T18:36:00.000-07:00

Darko turns 20 today. What to get a 20-year-old with too much money and even more time on his hands? Since I'm sure he and Elden have mastered PSP, get him some bobbleheads! Apparently, Darko has an affinity for them, keeping his teammates' bobbleheads lined up on his locker. Just another layer to that wacky Darko mystique.