For those of you unfamiliar with Real Time, here's an example of one of his New Rules done at the end of the show:
New Rule: The Sports Illustrated "Swimsuit Edition" is whacking material for guys too chicken to buy real porn. Apparently between the end of the football season and the beginning of the baseball season is the masturbating season. Which is fine. But to put on a national display of mourning and outrage over one exposed nipple at a sporting event, and the next week to show nothing but tits and ass in our premier sports magazine seems a tad hypocritical. Let's decide once and for all whether breasts are good or evil. Because after all, a nipple is nothing more than a bundle of nerves surrounded by skin, much like Howard Dean.
(Source: www.hbo.com/billmaher )
Onto my rules:
New Rule: If you are a male over the age of 10 and you still call your father "Daddy," you do not deserve to have your own segment on SportsCenter. After having to sit through 10 MINUTES of Nascar "highlights" and Dale, Jr. mentions just to see some real highlights from the Mavs-Suns game (not to mention the endless stream of "I just wanna race, Daddy" commercials), I've decided for the sake of humanity Nascar must go.
New Rule: All NBA contracts are now C.O.D., cash on delivery. This is for everyone who paid to watch Vince Carter in Toronto, Tracy McGrady in Orlando, or anyone currently on the Knicks roster. If you're getting paid over $50 million to play some ball (hell, even if you're getting $500,000), you better play some ball. If you can't bring yourself to deliver 100% of your effort, we no longer have to deliver 100% of your paycheck.
New Rule: If you have a 32 inch neck, don't wear a necklace...Unless of course it's hanging down to your navel and studded with $1mil+ worth of bling...Even then though... Now you know how much I love Don Nelson but at the Mavs-Kings game on February 11th, Nellie was rocking a necklace/choker thing that ranks right up there with Dirk's sweatband as "Things white people just can't pull off."
New Rule: If you went to a high school with the words "Academy" or "Prep" in its name, you AIN'T as ghetto as you think and you AIN'T from the 'hood. SO QUIT FRONTIN'! Just because you have a tattoo doesn't mean you're tough. Even Greg Ostertag has a tatt. Despite what Jay-Z says, not everyone has to have had a hard knock life to be a baller. So quit posing, quit whining, and quit posturing. JUST PLAY.
Now bring on All Star Weekend and a new season of Real Time with Bill Maher!
Um, I do have to say that I think Dirk with the headband is awesome. He's taking it back to when Bill Walton was a stud instead of just the worst announcer ever. He knows he's a stud, and he knows he can pull it off.
ReplyDeleteI will agree on the Nellie chain, though. There's a reason he's Nellie, and not Nelly.
Haha - I'm waiting for the day Nellie comes out of the tunnel rocking a bandaid under his eye.
ReplyDeleteHowever, "Bill Walton" and "stud" never belong in the same sentence...ever! But thanks, Shep, for finally curing me of my Dirk crush. Now that you've gone and compared him to the bane of my existence, I don't think I can ever look at him the same way again!