1. His open letter to Barack Obama.
Dear Mr President,2. His worst films of 2008 list.
As I'm sure you are aware, one of your flock has strayed. A Miss Paris Hilton, who is, I believe, a resident of Beverley Hills, is in England doing a reality game show for ITV2 called Paris Hilton's British Best Friend. Fine. I have no problem with that. I don't have to watch. But now it has come to my attention that she has bought a house in North London a few miles from me, and is out and about ingratiating herself with the Great British public.
Mr President. We are not stupid. This is clearly a retaliatory strike for Posh Spice moving to LA. I know it, and you know it, so let's cut the "it's a free country" nonsense and come to some agreement.
I propose an exchange.
Have your people call my people. They may have to call a few times as my people are useless to be honest.
10. Fool's Gold -- I don't have anything funny to say about this movie. I'm just fed up. Just fucking stop it. Seriously. You're not getting anything out of it. I'm not getting anything out of it. Even "your audience" isn't getting anything out of it. You know what this movie cost? $70 million. You know what it grossed? $70 Million. It's a cats game. You're literally doing nothing.3. His best films of 2008 list. Namely, it didn't include Benjamin Button and Slumdog Millionaire. I watched both and liked both but, particularly with Slumdog, didn't think it was OH MY GOD! THE MOST AMAZING MOVIE EVER. I loved Danny Boyle's directing, as I always do, but I knew the ending halfway into the movie even though I hate guessing what happens and willfully fight against it. When people in my theater gasped at the last question, I was like, "Are you kidding me? Seriously, where have you been for the past 2 hours?" It was a feel good movie, though with moments of brutal violence, that's sort of become more than it is. Kind of like Andre Iguodala. Flashy, moments of brilliance, but not quite at the top tier. Yet. Here are some movies that did make his list.
6. Fireproof -- THIS DOES NOT BODE WELL. This makes me miss The Passion of the Christ. At least that had a few movie stars and some violence. Next up: the Mormon film movement. Oh wait... that's already started... and it's on this list.
1. Twilight -- Dear Fat Girls of America, I know times are tough. I know how it feels to be overweight, and unpopular, to feel that no one really understands you and to wallow away at night, lying in your big bed, snacking and wishing there was an effeminate vampire boy-child to come steal you away and show you how shiny he looks in the sunlight. (I don't). But this is not the answer. I say it again, ma'am: THIS IS NOT THE ANSWER. I know it's too late to stop this train, but let us all agree that the Twilight books make Harry Potter look like Proust. And even worse, the Twilight film makes Disaster Movie look like The Leopard.
10. Iron Man -- Just fun.
8. Tropic Thunder -- It still bothers me that we live in a culture where Tom Cruise has to do public penance for being crazy by embarrassing himself with ridiculous dance moves. But almost everything else I enjoyed. I think it would have been better, as it was supposed to be, with Owen Wilson in the Jack Black role, though.
6. Let the Right One In -- A slap in the face to all that is bad in the world of cinema. Quite literally the anti-Fool's Gold. It's exactly what we need.