Jackass of the Month: Freddie Ljungberg

In lieu of a Commissioner's Pet of the Week, I'm doing a special Jackass of the Month.

The NBA and its players are routinely castigated and villified for being too "hip hop." After the brawl, Rush Limbaugh took time out from insulting Donovan McNabb to declare the NBA was "hip-hop culture on parade...gang behavior on parade minus the guns." Not realizing the Palace of Auburn Hills isn't actually in Detroit, he also renamed Detroit "New Fallujah, Michigan." What a dumbass. Anyway, getting back to the point, one of the things critics point to when decrying the NBA's hip hop influence is the preponderance of tattoos. Too unprofessional, they sniff. Well, last time I checked, no player missed any games because of tattoos.

Now to Freddie Ljungberg, Swedish soccer player for Nick Hornby's beloved Arsenal, Calvin Klein model, wannabe fashion designer, and more impressively, not gay.

Freddie here missed four weeks of the season because of an allergic reaction to the ink in his panther tattoos. Yup, white boy was attacked by his black panther tattoos. If that doesn't qualify for jackass honors, I don't know what does.

Beyond that though, neither Arsenal nor the FA Premier League should really care that I think Freddie Ljungberg is a jackass. I've never attended a Premiership match nor have I ever bought any Premiership merchandise (except that David Beckham Man U poster in '99 ). At best, I've caught a few games on FSN, but it was purely coincidental. Likewise, why should the NBA care if Rush Limbaugh and his neo-Nazi followers think the league is too hip hop? Has Rush Limbaugh ever attended an NBA game in his life? Has he ever bought a jersey, a poster, anything? Why is the league so concerned about losing his support, his money when it never had either in the first place? Who cares if people in Kansas and Oklahoma are offended by tattoos and cornrows! There's a reason why teams aren't there in the first place or why they packed up and said "peace out!" Besides, people in Middle America should be more concerned that their daughters are turning tricks for shopping money, or as Bill Maher would say, "They're selling coochie for Gucci." Leave the NBA to the people who actually care about it, all 9 of us.

Commissioner's Pet of the Week: Chauncey Billups and Wife

Not only did Chauncey Billups take away the Eastern Conference crown, he also snatched the "Commissioner's Pet" title from the Golden Boy known as Dwyane Wade. How did Smooth accomplish this seemingly impossible task, you ask? He went to two - TWO - WNBA games and took his wife and daughters as well. He even managed to drag Antonio McDyess to one. Now this may not seem like much, but how many people do you know who've been to one, much less two, WNBA games since that whole experiment started? And, even more impressive to the Commissioner, the Billups family went to both games within 2 weeks of one another. "A truly remarkable feat."

The new "Pet of the Week" will be announced Friday, when Chauncey is sure to be dethroned once David Stern gets the initial ratings from Game 1 vs. the Spurs. Until then though, long live King Bill.