Only in LA

I was at the dealership last week getting my car serviced (and getting raped in the ass with service charges in the process, but that's neither here nor there) when a clip of Alonzo Mourning's retirement press conference came on. A woman walking by glanced at the TV and then stopped dead in her tracks. "What's going on?! Who died?" she asked. I looked at her curiously and said, "What are you talking about? No one died." Then she goes, "Why is he mourning?" As calmly as I could manage without laughing in her face, I let her know, "Because that's his name." Jesus.

Who's Bigger: Shaq or Hannah Montana?

It makes me sad that some chick named Hannah Montana can sell out American Airlines Arena faster than The Diesel and D-Wade. While we're at it, who the hell are the Jonas Brothers? The things parents do for their kids. (PS - Thanks, Mom, for all the NKOTB stuff and you were right.)

Look at Shaq Daddy in his Elmo shirt and hat. He's hands-down the NBA player I'd most want as a dad. And he's doing the good dad thing by playing nicey-nice with the ex for the sake of the kids. Paging Jason Kidd. While we're on the subject of NBA dads, I still can't believe Dwight "Let's Put a Cross on the Jersey" Howard is a dad. Unless you're willing to go to A.C. Green lengths, quit proselytizing, Dwight. And with a cheerleader. How cliche.

Source: TMZ

Hey Big Spender

According to TMZ, Kobe dropped $21,000 at Blush, a new club at the Wynn, on Friday night. This wasn't a display of magnanimity, but rather a good old-fashioned pissing contest between Kobe and poker player Antonio Esfandiari. It all started when Esfandiari paid for two bottles of Cristal. What nerve! TMZ reports,

"Kobe wasn't about to be shown up by some puny little card player -- and kicked in for five bottles. Antonio, who's used to upping the ante, then switched his order to ten! Kobe ended the competition when he purchased an astounding 15 bottles -- and then left the club!"

No wonder Esfandiari is called The Magician. He magically made $35,000 disappear. It's moments like these that make me really appreciate Micky Arison. Despite his net worth being worth more than the salaries of all the players in the League combined, his flashiest adornment is his tan...and maybe the 2006 NBA Championship ring. Just goes to show that you can't buy taste.

Photo Source: TMZ

Lakers vs Heat, Part II

Who says Brian Grant doesn't earn his $13,233,434 salary. Look at him coming off the bench and sticking his nose right in the middle of the action.

As entertaining as it was watching grown men analyze a handshake the way Carson Kressley analyzes a pink blouse, the highlight of the night - pretty much all the highlights of the night - came from D. Wade. The way he called out La Prima Donna and the refs before he headed in the locker room at halftime, but more importantly, the way he stepped up his game during the second half, shooting a hell of a lot better than 1 for 11. D.Wade even has LA writers' panties in a twist.

Mark Heisler of the LA Times writes:
"What time machine did this guy step out of? Here's what Miami's Dwyane Wade doesn't do after he dunks: scream; swing on the rim; pound his chest; pull back his jersey to show his heart; glare at anyone who dared to come near him while he was doing it; or point at the sky. This is a 23-year-old second-year player who gets to the basket at will, dunks over whoever's there and then runs back the other way. As he says, 'I want to act like I did it before.'"

You can't blame Mark Heisler or anyone else in LA for being excited. After years of having to endure Kobe, I can't describe how gratifying it is to see him get his comeuppance - and get SPANKED along the way! Sorry if my posts lately have been a D.Wade parade, but what can I say, he's hot. And I'd rather not mention the Oakland massacre, or Kings vs. Warriors. Jesus H. Christ.

The Big Aristotle Strikes Again

Two things you can count on Miami games for:

1. Randy Moss sightings (How cute does he look in his braces?? Okay, yeah, we'll discuss how I'm always attracted to the wrong guy in another post.)

2. The most "quotatious" quotes in the league.

This one comes from Shaq Daddy and shows he's evolved into a thinker of Maureen Dowd-ian proportions. Asked about the difference between Penny Hardaway, Kobe Bryant, and Dwyane Wade in the New York Post:
"The difference between those three is in 'The Godfather' trilogy. One is Fredo, who's never ready for me to hand it over to him. One is Sonny, who will do whatever it takes to be the man. And one is Michael, who, if you watch the trilogy, the Godfather hands it over to Michael. So I have no problem handing it to Dwyane."

Lebron James may have Nike, Sprite, SI, and Bubblicious, but Dwyane Wade's getting the biggest endorsement of all AND a trip to the Finals. Plus comparing him to Michael Corleone, aka Al Pacino, aka Scarface = INSTA street cred (something the Golden Boy formerly known as Kobe Bryant exponentially lacked). I mean have you seen an episode of Cribs??? Who doesn't have Tony Montana on his wall? (Answer: white people.)

Flash Corleone, the keys to the kingdom are yours for the taking. Now don't go around rapin' nobody. Allegedly.

NYC Flash'd

"Life's not measured by the number of breaths one takes, but by the moments that take your breath away."
-Pat Riley on watching Dwyane Wade play

Still the standard of coaching elegance and eloquence after all these years (though Pop's giving him a run for his money).

But my favorite quote from Miami's brain trust comes from the much less refined but equally irrepressible Stan Van Gundy. After the famous Van Gundy temper exploded following a Shandon Anderson turnover in a game against San Antonio, assistant Erik Spoelstra (the young one) wrote SVG a note saying, "You were an absolute lunatic last night."

SVG's response: "I'm like 40 pounds overweight. I have high cholesterol. I could check out at any time, and he's throwing away an outlet pass."

Oh Stan. He's gaining on his brother for my 3rd favorite coach spot.