Thou Shalt Not Take Sheed's Name in Vain

Hey Peta, China: Calm the Fuck Down!

Hey Roger Goodell, David Stern: Grow a pair!!

In the media maelstrom following Michael Vick's dog fighting indictment, I'm sure everyone from sponsors to executives to his momma have proffered their advice to the NFL commissioner. While he should take most of them under advisement, one opinion that shouldn't really figure into his decision is Peta's. Seriously, why is everyone stressing about what Peta has to say or what Peta is going to do?? Why is Trey Wingo on ESPN discussing Peta's reaction? Who the fuck cares, especially a network whose existence was, I'm sure, unknown to Peta before they started getting some press. Why is ESPN and the mainstream media legitimizing a protest by a group that is usually preoccupied with terrorizing the wardrobes of 100-pound women? Yes, animal rights are important and dogs shouldn't be abused for sport, but we can figure this out without Peta's input. So can the NFL and Arthur Blank and everyone else not in Michael Vick's entourage. Allegedly.

The NFL and the Falcons organization should take a page from Jean Paul Gaultier's playbook. When Peta protesters stormed the stage and tried to upstage his fashion show, Gaultier had security cover them with fur coats before taking them offstage. Genius. Now let's see if Roger Goodell has enough ingenuity and courage to take on a rabid non-fan base as a 55-year-old gay designer.

Similarly, David Stern needs to take a stand against another fascist group: China. Especially in light of Tim Donaghy's Jose Canseco-like effort to take down the NBA, David Stern needs to re-establish who really runs his league. Is he really going to allow Chinese officials to dictate where a just drafted player plays?? Only Kobe does that! The Commish should just tell China and Yi Jianlian to fuck off. Who needs whom more? The NBA will survive just fine without Yi. Yi, on the other hand, will become a forgotten footnote - a poor forgotten footnote - without the NBA and the millions and millions it has to offer.

So come on, men. Step up. Oh and let 'Sheed finish what he started.

Hardest Job in the NBA

While we're on the subject of the Pistons...

Meet Kevin Griggs, media relations spokesman for the Detroit Pistons. Think of the media shitstorms this guy has had to deal with this year alone - the brawl, Larry Brown's wanderlust, Rasheed. Whatever they're paying him, it's not nearly enough.

Here he is trying to convince Sheed to talk to the media during team media availability before Game 2. Needless to say, he failed.

The brawl alone would have been enough to make a seasoned pro like Lizzie Grubman drive her SUV through another crowd just to avoid having to deal with the PR nightmare that followed. Add to that the self-perpetuating maelstroms that are LB and Sheed...Well, I imagine it was difficult for Kevin to get up some mornings. Don't get me wrong; as you know, I love Sheed and respect the hell out of the Pistons, but I definitely don't envy Kevin's position. However, I wouldn't mind buddying up to him and getting some courtside seats, baby!

End of an Era

The year of the belt has officially ended. I just wanted to pay tribute to the brains behind the belt and the team that wore them.

Before Game 4 or even 5 last year, no one thought the Pistons would beat the Lakers. Big Ben was too small, Tayshaun too young, Chauncey too unproven, Rasheed too crazy, and Rip just not Kobe. But they came out together and fought for every last shot, rebound, loose ball, etc. They ultimately ended up overshadowing themselves because they not only beat the Dynasty, they dismantled it.

Rasheed Wallace proved himself as a player and a teammate. Instead of the "cancer" on a losing team, he became the final piece to a championship one. He may not have silenced all his critics - and part of the Sheed appeal is that he never will nor cares to - but he endeared himself to a whole new city of fans who will gladly deafen any haters with chants of "Sheeeeeeed."

It's only fitting that they be beaten by another team effort. They may have adopted the "we don't get any respect" mentality, but anyone who knows basketball - basically, anyone outside of LA - respected the hell out of them and we're going to miss the belts. Who knows - we may be seeing them again very soon.

Happy Father's Day

There's nothing more endearing than seeing the baddest, toughest motherf...ers on the court turn into the biggest, softest teddy bears around their children. Who'd have thought - Rasheed Wallace, teddy bear at heart and symbol of paternal responsibility. That's a M-A-N, baby!

Don't Leave Me, Don't Leave Me

Crazy ol' Roscoe. What a character. Between his perfectly circular bald spot and his on-court theatrics, how has he not been immortalized in cartoon yet?? Think about it...forget Thirst, or whatever that Lil' Penny Sprite knockoff is...how about "The Adventures of Lil' Sheed."

Episode I: Lil' Sheed Goes to School
When the teacher gives him a warning for talking back during class, Lil' Sheed throws up his arms and stamps his feet until he's thrown out of class and sent to the principal's office.

In the next episode, Lil' Sheed frustrates the school reporters covering the Academic Decathlon by answering every question with "Both teams played hard."

How could you not love Rasheed Wallace -- Portland fans, you are excused from answering this question and really, those kinds of words are unnecessary. In all seriousness, I really do like Sheed because I don't think he's fronting...what you see is what you get. He's not posing to help his street cred and sell some shoes (ahem, Kobe). He's also not trying to fit into some pre-packaged, league-approved image. He has a real personality, flaws and all. I think he's one of the most dynamic people in the league.

And really, I don't see him as being all that different from Tim Duncan. Timmy is who he is, which is really shy and understated, and he's not going to change that to become a name-brand, Bentley-driving superstar no matter how much John Thompson badgers him. He does his thing just like Sheed does his thing and from what I hear, teammates and coaches love them. Ahh, maybe I'll have an installment of Lil' Sheed and Lil' Timmy. It'll be like Jay and Silent Bob minus the homoerotic overtones.

Mama (Sheed) Wallace

The first time I saw Ann Iverson, I thought "Yeah, okay, I see where he gets it from." (He = AI = Allen Iverson, dumbass) (Dumbass = You who could not connect the dots from Ann Iverson to Allen Iverson, and you who thought dumbass could possibly be referring to anyone other than yourself) She was tough, scrappy, and had enough bling around her neck to rival the GDP of a small island nation (like Montserrat - $29mil), but you could tell how much she cared about her son...and if you not, you obviously didn't read the sign.


Likewise, when I saw Steve Nash's ma and pa, I thought, "Yeah, okay, I see where he gets it from."

So what must the woman who begat the 3-time league leader in technical fouls be like?

Answer: A force to be reckoned with.


The first time I saw Jackie Wallace was during playoffs last year. She was standing outside the Palace doing a little song and dance taunting the Lakers. Ever since, I've been hoping for some more Jackie Wallace sightings this year. Answer: pistons.com. Mama Wallace makes her picks, daring to pick Seattle over San Antonio and Dallas over Phoenix. Reasons? "Allen has an all-around game" and "Not a fan of Phoenix."

Brash, bold, and opinionated, keep an eye out for Mama Wallace. She's great. Let's hope Sheed gave her a championship belt too.

The 3rd Wallace.