Cojones*

Slam has a fantastic article by John Krolik on the rightful heir to Sam Cassell's testicle dance. (The only adjective I can think of to properly describe the dance is 'singular,' but somehow 'singular testicle dance' just sounds wrong...and misleading.) Thus far, only Kobe and Andre Iguodala have been brazen enough to show off their cojones (Andre in front of the one and only Sam I Am). Kobe broke out the dance again tonight after a late basket against the Jazz, but like the last time against the Spurs, Lakers lost. Last time, Roger Mason, Jr. answered back with a testicle dance of his own. This time, Mehmet Okur answered back with what can only be characterized as the Jonas version of Sam's dance. I'm trying to find a clip of it, but the only video of the game on YouTube cuts off before the end.

My vote is for Roger Mason, Jr. Sam had a swagger disproportionate to his position on the NBA totem pole. Roger Mason - 2nd rounder, journeyman - has the same outsized bravado.

Krolik dismisses Manu as a possible heir, saying:

I’m pretty sure Manu thinks the dance means “I have accumulated a lot of change and am unsure what to do with it, so for the moment there is much change in my pockets, which I find unwieldy.”

This can also describe Mehmet's dance. Check out the other potential heirs apparent here.

*Quick note to my very white friend, Jay. Cojones is not pronounced 'co-jones,' which is what I know you were saying in your head. It's Spanish and therefore pronounced 'co-ho-nez.'

Kobe Bryant, "Genus"

Spike Lee was interviewed after Kobe's 61 at MSG the other night and he said, "You don't have to be Albert Einstein...You can have genuses in sports, too." I rewound my DVR 5 times to make sure I heard it correctly. I did.

Rafael Nadal Won't Let Me Sleep

I was all set to go to bed at 2am, a very reasonable hour for me, and then I made the mistake on turning on ESPN2. I was just going to check the score at the Australian Open, assuming Nadal would be taking care of business as usual, but no. He was losing to someone I've never even heard of before, something Verdasco. Now TWO hours later (they've been playing for over 3), they're tied with a set each playing a tiebreak for the 3rd set. And of course now I'm totally riveted and can't stop watching which means I'll have insomnia for the next 3 days. All this for someone who wears capri pants. And he's not even playing Federer!

Update: Rafa just won the tiebreak. He's up 2 sets to 1. I'm going to bed. Good night.

Update #2: Fuck me I'm totally not going to sleep tonight. Do I even like tennis that much? Actually, I love the rivalry between Federer and Nadal. C'mon Verdasco...pull a Djokovic and retire so I can get some sleep!!

Update #3: Verdasco's name is Fernando and he kind of looks like Cristiano Ronaldo. Actually, he's more a mix of Ronaldo and Matt Leinart. Weird. To top it off, he's wearing a puke green shirt. Whatever, Michelle Obama. And now he's up in the 4th. Kill me.

Update #4: Holy hell. It's now 5am and if Leinardo wins this tiebreak, they're going to a 5th set! They've been playing for 4 hours and 13 minutes and Rafa still looks like he could run a marathon afterward. Nope, spoke too soon. He's down 0-3 in the tiebreak. C'mon Rafa! Despite Verdasco's effort, now that I get the Matt Leinart vibe from him, I can't cheer for him in the slightest. Sorry, Cardinal fans but I don't think you're cheering for him either at this point. Fuckity fuck Verdasco's one point away from a 5th set.

Update #5: 5th set. Why. Why did I have to turn on ESPN2.

Update #6: So I decided to Google Fernando Verdasco to find out more about the man keeping me up and...gross. This just goes to show: ladies, whenever you get the Matt Leinart vibe from a guy, trust your instincts and run the other way!

Update #7: Both Nadal and Verdasco are left-handed. I've always wanted to be a leftie.

Update #8: Goddamn! The men's final is Saturday night-Sunday morning before the Super Bowl. Basically, I won't sleep til Monday.

Update #9: 2-2.

Update #10: Have you ever tried Nocilla? It's the Spanish version of Nutella but they have a white chocolate version too. It's amazing. I would totally trade Pau Gasol for one jar of Nocilla Duo. Wait a sec. (Lightbulb going off.) Maybe that's what the Lakers really gave Chris Wallace for Pau.

Update #11: 3-3. Match nearing 5 hours.

Update #12: Possible break point for Nadal. C'mon Rafa!!! And.....of course not because this game will last forever. Another chance for break point. Nope. Game Verdasco. 4-4. Kill meeeeeee.

Update #13: Triple match point for Nadal. Don't believe it. Yup, Verdasco pulled it out. Double match point for Nadal. Nope. Match point. What the hell...the match just ended on a double fault. Are you kidding me??????? 5+ hours and the match ends on a double fault at 6:10am. I hate my life. Good night morning.

Krazee-Eyez

When someone from an opposing team misses a free throw, Rasheed Wallace tells him, "Ball don't lie." I have a similar message for Phil Jackson: The eyes don't lie.

At the draft lottery, Jeanie Buss told everyone that Phil gave her a lucky rock for the lottery, but it wasn't the rock she wanted. Then she pointed to her bare left ring finger. Not only that, while on a radio show in LA, Jeanie moaned about her non-marital state saying such girlie pearls as, "I just don't know what to do" and "Maybe I need everyone to tell me that it's time to move on."

Message to Phil: Run...run like you're a blonde white girl who's just simultaneously been spotted by Jerry Buss, T.O., and Tiger Woods. Get the hell out of dodge.

A woman pushing 40 in a 5-year relationship who's no longer hinting but actively (and publicly) campaigning for marriage like she's Mark Cuban trying to Nascar-ize NBA threads, that's basically the end of Zen in that relationship.

But to be fair, it's not just the women hunting for the ring. At the Mo Cheeks press conference, AI said, "I got all these fingers and no rings on 'em. I'm willing to do anything." Of course when AI says it, he sounds mad cool and it just adds even more to his appeal.

Lakers vs Heat, Part II

Who says Brian Grant doesn't earn his $13,233,434 salary. Look at him coming off the bench and sticking his nose right in the middle of the action.

As entertaining as it was watching grown men analyze a handshake the way Carson Kressley analyzes a pink blouse, the highlight of the night - pretty much all the highlights of the night - came from D. Wade. The way he called out La Prima Donna and the refs before he headed in the locker room at halftime, but more importantly, the way he stepped up his game during the second half, shooting a hell of a lot better than 1 for 11. D.Wade even has LA writers' panties in a twist.

Mark Heisler of the LA Times writes:
"What time machine did this guy step out of? Here's what Miami's Dwyane Wade doesn't do after he dunks: scream; swing on the rim; pound his chest; pull back his jersey to show his heart; glare at anyone who dared to come near him while he was doing it; or point at the sky. This is a 23-year-old second-year player who gets to the basket at will, dunks over whoever's there and then runs back the other way. As he says, 'I want to act like I did it before.'"

You can't blame Mark Heisler or anyone else in LA for being excited. After years of having to endure Kobe, I can't describe how gratifying it is to see him get his comeuppance - and get SPANKED along the way! Sorry if my posts lately have been a D.Wade parade, but what can I say, he's hot. And I'd rather not mention the Oakland massacre, or Kings vs. Warriors. Jesus H. Christ.