The Pistons' Mascot is Cooler than Yours

Hooper's doing it in costume AND heels!
I humble myself before thee.
And those dancers! Hot sex on a platter.

Benny or Gorilla, whatchu got??

Thou Shalt Not Take Sheed's Name in Vain

Hardest Job in the NBA

While we're on the subject of the Pistons...

Meet Kevin Griggs, media relations spokesman for the Detroit Pistons. Think of the media shitstorms this guy has had to deal with this year alone - the brawl, Larry Brown's wanderlust, Rasheed. Whatever they're paying him, it's not nearly enough.

Here he is trying to convince Sheed to talk to the media during team media availability before Game 2. Needless to say, he failed.

The brawl alone would have been enough to make a seasoned pro like Lizzie Grubman drive her SUV through another crowd just to avoid having to deal with the PR nightmare that followed. Add to that the self-perpetuating maelstroms that are LB and Sheed...Well, I imagine it was difficult for Kevin to get up some mornings. Don't get me wrong; as you know, I love Sheed and respect the hell out of the Pistons, but I definitely don't envy Kevin's position. However, I wouldn't mind buddying up to him and getting some courtside seats, baby!

End of an Era

The year of the belt has officially ended. I just wanted to pay tribute to the brains behind the belt and the team that wore them.

Before Game 4 or even 5 last year, no one thought the Pistons would beat the Lakers. Big Ben was too small, Tayshaun too young, Chauncey too unproven, Rasheed too crazy, and Rip just not Kobe. But they came out together and fought for every last shot, rebound, loose ball, etc. They ultimately ended up overshadowing themselves because they not only beat the Dynasty, they dismantled it.

Rasheed Wallace proved himself as a player and a teammate. Instead of the "cancer" on a losing team, he became the final piece to a championship one. He may not have silenced all his critics - and part of the Sheed appeal is that he never will nor cares to - but he endeared himself to a whole new city of fans who will gladly deafen any haters with chants of "Sheeeeeeed."

It's only fitting that they be beaten by another team effort. They may have adopted the "we don't get any respect" mentality, but anyone who knows basketball - basically, anyone outside of LA - respected the hell out of them and we're going to miss the belts. Who knows - we may be seeing them again very soon.

Game 6: Two Reasons for Spurs' Loss

Hubie Brown actually referred to Tony Parker and Manu Ginobili as "cats." This can also be filed under "signs of the apocalypse."

The Indian guy sitting between Hubie and Al Michaels didn't wear his Valvoline/Spurs t-shirt. That guy is getting more play than the entire Pistons' bench. The Spurs weren't having any problems when he was rocking the shirt and blowing kisses at the camera during Games 1 and 2. And then he goes and changes his shirt for Game 6! Doesn't he know you have to respect routine and superstition? Seven years later and Timmy's still wearing his Wake Forest practice shorts backwards. C'mon random Valvoline man, what kind of fan are you!

Happy Birthday, Darko!

Darko turns 20 today. What to get a 20-year-old with too much money and even more time on his hands? Since I'm sure he and Elden have mastered PSP, get him some bobbleheads! Apparently, Darko has an affinity for them, keeping his teammates' bobbleheads lined up on his locker. Just another layer to that wacky Darko mystique.

Random Game 5 Celebrities

1. Michael Moore

What is Michael Moore doing there? Is there a more unlikely fan, aside from Alanis Morissette, Bryan Adams, and whoever that girl was before Game 4. I never thought I'd say this, but where's Mariah's crazy ass?

2. Dwight Howard

He's HOT!

3. Eva Longoria

Wouldn't it have been great if after Rip missed the last shot and it was dead silent in the Palace, all of a sudden you heard this lone crazy cheer and it was Eva?

Game 5: The Series Begins and Ends

Heartbreak Horry

In case you missed the Robert Horry show, also known as the playoffs, you can get the picture-by-picture playback here, here, or here. (By the way, I just figured out how to do hyperlinks after like 6 months so you'll have to forgive me if every other word is a hyperlink.)

What a crazy-ass game. Timmy almost went from G.O.A.T. to goat. Sheed gave everyone in Michigan Chris Webber in ‘93 flashbacks, which is ironic since C-Webb was actually at Game 5 with his Fab 5 buddy Jalen Rose.

I don't think anyone in Michigan would have survived another timeout debacle...seriously. Mention the words "Chris Webber" and "timeout" to anyone from Michigan. You don't even have to say "timeout;" just say "Webber" and see what kind of reaction you get. If Game 5 of the Finals had ended on free throws because of an illegal timeout...Malice at the Palace Part II x 100. Did you see the way Chauncey jumped on Sheed when he saw him call for time? Chauncey knows his state history.

I wonder what Chris was thinking when Sheed did that. Do you ever get the feeling that Chris is like 5 hobbled steps away from being Ray Finkle/Lois Einhorn in Ace Ventura? But instead of "Laces out!" it would be "No timeout!" Okay, enough picking on Chris because I really do like him, as evidenced here, here, and here.

Aight, aight, I'm done. Game was bomb. Can't wait for Game 6.

Behind Every Great Man...

Is a woman threatening to withhold food unless he starts playing better.


As reported on by the illustrious Stuart Scott, Mrs. Chanda Wallace told her 6'9", 240-pound husband before Game 3, "'Let your hair down and go out there and play some basketball, or else you can't eat." Proving once and for all that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, Big Ben responded in Game 3 with 15 points, 11 boards, and 5 blocks and in Game 4 with 11 points, 13 boards, 3 blocks and 3 steals.

When he won the Defensive Player of the Year award this year, Ben said, "I want to thank my wife (Chanda) for letting me come home last year after I didn't win it."

Chanda Wallace, you are awesome!
Jackie Christie, this is what not-crazy looks like.

Game 4: Eva but No Tony

Eva: "Look, Frenchie, I said I wanted three rings!"

Major props to Eva Longoria for showing up in Detroit like she's Jack Nicholson. However, if she could only get her boyfriend to do the same.

Meanwhile, I love how the so-called "absolute nastiest fans" in the league (according to Stan Van Gundy) had nothing but love for Eva...


...while their hometown boy, Kid Rock, faced some hecklers.

Once a Mama's Boy, Always a Mama's Boy

Elden Campbell must be what, 40, 45 years old? Yet there he was mouthing "Hi Mama" to the camera during his introduction before Game 3. How cute is that?

Speaking of Elden (how often do you hear that), here are some fun facts:

1. He has a son named Jayle and a daughter named Jael.
I don't know why either.

2. He's teaching Tayshaun Prince how to play PSP.
At first, I was like how the hell does Elden's old ass know how to play PSP and Tayshaun doesn't?! Then, Mike reminded me, "Because he's on the bench all the time!!"

I still love you, Elden...15 years and counting.

For the Ladies: Eminem

You boys get Eva Longoria...We get Eminem.

But what is he doing behind the Spurs bench? Scaring Rasho into going 0-10 instead of just 0-5? How do you even explain an Eminem to someone like Rasho? In our country, some white boys grow up to be black. Kind of like Michael Jackson in reverse. No, no Kid Rock is just considered white trash.

Game 3: Crazy Ass Stuart Scott

We've had a lot of ridiculous moments during this series. Some off the top of my head include:
-> Suddenly switching to the French feed in the middle of the game
-> Actually listing all 140 languages in which the game was being broadcast
-> Alanis Morissette
-> Beno Udrih's play in Game 3
Etc.

And then there's Stuart Scott's postgame interview with Antonio McDyess.

It all began as a meaningless sideline report during the game. Apparently when Eva Longoria isn't there to give Michelle Tafoya "strict instructions" on how to do her job (as in Game 2), the storyline of the day becomes "Who's quieter: Tayshaun Prince or Antonio McDyess?" Tafoya reported that Tayshaun said Antonio and Antonio said Tayshaun. But wait, it doesn't end there. Right after the game, Stu corralled Dyess and asked not how it felt to come back from 3 knee surgeries and thinking his playing days were over to coming off the bench in his first Finals appearance in 10 seasons and scoring 12 key points, but instead asked Dyess to clarify who was quieter, him or Tayshaun. When Dyess obliged and said "Tayshaun Prince" our intrepid reporter then challenged him to "Yell it! Yell it!"

I guess since the brawl, cock fights in the NBA have been replaced with tests of verbal fortitude. Either that or Stuart Scott has lost his fucking mind. I'm going with the latter.

Commissioner's Pet of the Week: Chauncey Billups and Wife

Not only did Chauncey Billups take away the Eastern Conference crown, he also snatched the "Commissioner's Pet" title from the Golden Boy known as Dwyane Wade. How did Smooth accomplish this seemingly impossible task, you ask? He went to two - TWO - WNBA games and took his wife and daughters as well. He even managed to drag Antonio McDyess to one. Now this may not seem like much, but how many people do you know who've been to one, much less two, WNBA games since that whole experiment started? And, even more impressive to the Commissioner, the Billups family went to both games within 2 weeks of one another. "A truly remarkable feat."

The new "Pet of the Week" will be announced Friday, when Chauncey is sure to be dethroned once David Stern gets the initial ratings from Game 1 vs. the Spurs. Until then though, long live King Bill.

A Fitting Farewell

He was drafted to a chorus of boos but left to an arena standing in ovation and appreciation. Much props to the Pistons for ending the year of the brawl with the classiest move in sports in a long time - using their last time out when Reggie left the game to applaud the face of the Pacers for the past 18 years. I almost started crying like Ray Allen. But seriously, anyone who willingly chooses to stay in Indianapolis over LA, New York, etc, out of a sense of loyalty deserves a proper sendoff. I'm glad he got his due. Now enjoy life in Malibu, Reggie.