For the Ladies: Eminem

You boys get Eva Longoria...We get Eminem.

But what is he doing behind the Spurs bench? Scaring Rasho into going 0-10 instead of just 0-5? How do you even explain an Eminem to someone like Rasho? In our country, some white boys grow up to be black. Kind of like Michael Jackson in reverse. No, no Kid Rock is just considered white trash.

Game 3: Crazy Ass Stuart Scott

We've had a lot of ridiculous moments during this series. Some off the top of my head include:
-> Suddenly switching to the French feed in the middle of the game
-> Actually listing all 140 languages in which the game was being broadcast
-> Alanis Morissette
-> Beno Udrih's play in Game 3
Etc.

And then there's Stuart Scott's postgame interview with Antonio McDyess.

It all began as a meaningless sideline report during the game. Apparently when Eva Longoria isn't there to give Michelle Tafoya "strict instructions" on how to do her job (as in Game 2), the storyline of the day becomes "Who's quieter: Tayshaun Prince or Antonio McDyess?" Tafoya reported that Tayshaun said Antonio and Antonio said Tayshaun. But wait, it doesn't end there. Right after the game, Stu corralled Dyess and asked not how it felt to come back from 3 knee surgeries and thinking his playing days were over to coming off the bench in his first Finals appearance in 10 seasons and scoring 12 key points, but instead asked Dyess to clarify who was quieter, him or Tayshaun. When Dyess obliged and said "Tayshaun Prince" our intrepid reporter then challenged him to "Yell it! Yell it!"

I guess since the brawl, cock fights in the NBA have been replaced with tests of verbal fortitude. Either that or Stuart Scott has lost his fucking mind. I'm going with the latter.

Commissioner's Pet of the Week: Chauncey Billups and Wife

Not only did Chauncey Billups take away the Eastern Conference crown, he also snatched the "Commissioner's Pet" title from the Golden Boy known as Dwyane Wade. How did Smooth accomplish this seemingly impossible task, you ask? He went to two - TWO - WNBA games and took his wife and daughters as well. He even managed to drag Antonio McDyess to one. Now this may not seem like much, but how many people do you know who've been to one, much less two, WNBA games since that whole experiment started? And, even more impressive to the Commissioner, the Billups family went to both games within 2 weeks of one another. "A truly remarkable feat."

The new "Pet of the Week" will be announced Friday, when Chauncey is sure to be dethroned once David Stern gets the initial ratings from Game 1 vs. the Spurs. Until then though, long live King Bill.

Don't Leave Me, Don't Leave Me

Crazy ol' Roscoe. What a character. Between his perfectly circular bald spot and his on-court theatrics, how has he not been immortalized in cartoon yet?? Think about it...forget Thirst, or whatever that Lil' Penny Sprite knockoff is...how about "The Adventures of Lil' Sheed."

Episode I: Lil' Sheed Goes to School
When the teacher gives him a warning for talking back during class, Lil' Sheed throws up his arms and stamps his feet until he's thrown out of class and sent to the principal's office.

In the next episode, Lil' Sheed frustrates the school reporters covering the Academic Decathlon by answering every question with "Both teams played hard."

How could you not love Rasheed Wallace -- Portland fans, you are excused from answering this question and really, those kinds of words are unnecessary. In all seriousness, I really do like Sheed because I don't think he's fronting...what you see is what you get. He's not posing to help his street cred and sell some shoes (ahem, Kobe). He's also not trying to fit into some pre-packaged, league-approved image. He has a real personality, flaws and all. I think he's one of the most dynamic people in the league.

And really, I don't see him as being all that different from Tim Duncan. Timmy is who he is, which is really shy and understated, and he's not going to change that to become a name-brand, Bentley-driving superstar no matter how much John Thompson badgers him. He does his thing just like Sheed does his thing and from what I hear, teammates and coaches love them. Ahh, maybe I'll have an installment of Lil' Sheed and Lil' Timmy. It'll be like Jay and Silent Bob minus the homoerotic overtones.

Happy Birthday, AI!

Allen Iverson's turning 3-0 today. Damn. The enfant terrible of the league is now a seasoned veteran showing all the younguns the way. And I wouldn't have it any other way. His heart, those eyes... And between him, Rasheed Wallace, and Shaq Daddy, they come up with the funniest soundbites in the league.

So happy birthday, AI!! We should get him some bling. I may be reaching here, but I think he likes it.

Now THIS is How You Get the Party Started

Instead of a song, why don't ESPN, TNT, and ABC just show the pregame introductions? The Heat and every other team around the league (exception: Clippers - damn you Donald Sterling!) spend a lot of time and money to create these extravaganzas...Why replace the fireworks and Masons (Pistons' P.A. announcer) with dull banter and pointless commentary? Do we really need Mike Tirico telling us that Game 7 is a must-win for both teams?

I still remember Ray Clay doing the Bulls' introduction 10 years ago...Who doesn't:
"Aaaaand now, the starting lineup for your Chicago Bulls...At forward, from Central Arkansas, 6'7, Scottie Pippen...From North Carolina, at guard, 6'6, Michael Jorrrrrrdan!"

Although now North Carolina, et al, have been replaced with something-something-high-school and blah-blah-academy, those openings are what get you pumped up right before the game and make your heart beat even faster. In 10 years, what are you more inclined to remember - the Pistons and their "Chauncey B-b-b-b-b-b-billups!" or Bill Walton's prediction that the game "will be the most important in the history of western civilization." What's the point of a pre-game show that doesn't show any of the pre-game introductions? C'mon, give us the bells and whistles before we're condemned to a lethal injection of Walton and Tolbert.

PS. For all the other nostalgic saps, here's where you can download the old Bulls' opening, theme music included. (http://www.transbyte.org/bulls/audio.html)

NO MORE PHIL COLLINS

I don't know who decided that a song by Phil Collins was a way to enhance the "drama of the NBA" - probably the same person who thought that Bill Walton deserved to be miked and Big and Little, or whatever they were called, should perform at the All Star game - but please...MAKE IT STOP. Surely there are other songs that properly manage to capture the excitement and anticipation of an elimination game without dulling and offending our senses. This is the NBA, not the PGA. Know your audience.


Somebody stop this man.

Here are some suggestions that may prevent people from changing the channel or straight killing themselves just to get "I can feel it coming in the air tonight" out of their heads:
1. Eminem, "Lose Yourself"
2. Lil Flip, "Game Over"
3. Nelly, "Heart of a Champion" - This song even uses the old "NBA on NBC" theme music.

In conclusion, please don't drive away what viewers you have left by insulting our collective intelligence and auditory faculties.

Ain't That a Kick in the...

Even Iron Mike felt Timmy's pain after Steven Hunter nailed him where the sun don't shine. Well, now we know how to get a reaction from the shiest 7 footer around.

Thank you, Spurs, for wrapping up the series because I have a bachelorette party to go to tonight and I really didn't want to be the asshole saying, "Can we wait until the game is over" and then once the game was over, "Can we wait until Pop gives his post-game interview?" Now I can celebrate the way Pop and Red-Bull-and-vodka intended.

Clipper for Life

Look at Q playing hide-and-seek. How cute. Unfortunately for the Suns, he hid a little too well all series.

Wouldn't you agree, Shawn?

Fun with the Suns: JJ Reads!

From Q dogging on Steven Hunter's bathrobe belt and telling Yuta Tabuse that he was "da man" to Paul Shirley blogging his way into our consciousness, I thought the Suns had the best locker room in the league this year. And in addition to having the Coach of the Year, the Executive of the Year, and the MVP, they also have the best, most comprehensive website of the year. Not only do they have pictures up within hours of the game, they add in some behind-the-scenes ones, too.

In this edition of "Fun with the Suns," I'm taking you aboard the Suns plane, where Jim Jackson dares to do what few ballers have done before him (at least in public anyway).

Here JJ sits down with "The Da Vinci Code." After two years of sitting on bookshelves and 114 weeks on the New York Times bestseller list, the book finally cracks the second to last frontier, the NBA. (The last frontier being, of course, the NFL where reading - as Kellen Winslow showed with his contract - is merely optional.)

By the way, JJ would look really hot in glasses...most men do. (That's my tip to you, boys.)