Sunday, May 29, 2005


When someone from an opposing team misses a free throw, Rasheed Wallace tells him, "Ball don't lie." I have a similar message for Phil Jackson: The eyes don't lie.

At the draft lottery, Jeanie Buss told everyone that Phil gave her a lucky rock for the lottery, but it wasn't the rock she wanted. Then she pointed to her bare left ring finger. Not only that, while on a radio show in LA, Jeanie moaned about her non-marital state saying such girlie pearls as, "I just don't know what to do" and "Maybe I need everyone to tell me that it's time to move on."

Message to Phil: like you're a blonde white girl who's just simultaneously been spotted by Jerry Buss, T.O., and Tiger Woods. Get the hell out of dodge.

A woman pushing 40 in a 5-year relationship who's no longer hinting but actively (and publicly) campaigning for marriage like she's Mark Cuban trying to Nascar-ize NBA threads, that's basically the end of Zen in that relationship.

But to be fair, it's not just the women hunting for the ring. At the Mo Cheeks press conference, AI said, "I got all these fingers and no rings on 'em. I'm willing to do anything." Of course when AI says it, he sounds mad cool and it just adds even more to his appeal.

More Like The Matrix Revolutions

Can Shawn Marion have a more appropriate nickname than The Matrix? In the first round, he dazzled us with his array of tricks and effects. In the second round, we knew what to expect but we still liked what we saw. Now in the third round, we're just waiting for the series to mercifully come to an end.

Monday, May 23, 2005

Shaq Daddy: Cooler Than a Polar Bear's Toenails

How do you not love the Diesel?

Here he is getting freaky with some South Beach teachers. The footage of him dancing even made my mother - the same woman who thinks watching basketball is going to b) scare off my future husband, thus leading to a) turn me into a lesbian - even she laughed outloud and was completely charmed by the powers of Kazaam.

Saturday, May 21, 2005

One Angry German

Mark Cuban best beware - he's got one very pissed off German on his hands. In the postgame after the loss last night, Dirk (after making everyone wait an hour) let loose more vociferously than he ever has before on topics ranging from letting Steve Nash walk to Stack not calling a timeout with 5 seconds left in regulation. He didn't go as far as Steve "I don't know what I'm going to wake up for" Francis, but he made his feelings quite clear.

Some of his sentiments:

"Obviously, I thought we had all the right pieces to go all the way, but I just think we weren’t smart enough. Overall our basketball IQ wasn’t great offensively and defensively."

"He played an unbelievable series and showed why he was the MVP. He mad some great plays, not only today to win the game, but in every game they won he was phenomenal. I’ve never seen him play better than this. I think he wanted to show Dallas what we missed and he did that."

"I'm going to be pissed off all summer."

He didn't deflect his own responsibility though, saying, "I was subpar at best in the first round. We came out of it because of Jason." (Although with his lilt it sounded more like "Jazon." I think his accent becomes more pronounced the more pissed off he gets.)

Dirk also said, "I'm going to get in even better shape, if that's possible...I'm going to be even more dedicated, if it's possible."

I still can't believe he threw the towel at poor little JET (Jason Eugene Terry) at the end of regulation. I felt bad for Jason, but Dirk's finally doing what everyone's been telling him to do - step up, be more vocal, assume more of a leadership role. It was also nice to see Dirk get that emotional over the game. I think his outburst and his postgame comment about getting more dedicated if it's possible was a dig at everyone who says he's not really into the game and he's more concerned with winning with his German squad. I admit I questioned his heart at times, but from what I saw in the postgame, he's for real and he's gonna be back with a vengeance next year. Let's hope he brings his European cousin Peja Stojakovic, too.

Friday, May 20, 2005

A Fitting Farewell

He was drafted to a chorus of boos but left to an arena standing in ovation and appreciation. Much props to the Pistons for ending the year of the brawl with the classiest move in sports in a long time - using their last time out when Reggie left the game to applaud the face of the Pacers for the past 18 years. I almost started crying like Ray Allen. But seriously, anyone who willingly chooses to stay in Indianapolis over LA, New York, etc, out of a sense of loyalty deserves a proper sendoff. I'm glad he got his due. Now enjoy life in Malibu, Reggie.

Good Night, Reggie

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Eva Longoria and Trophy at Cannes

How much you want to bet that David Stern got a hard on when he saw this picture?? No, no, not because of Eva...but because she's wearing NBA-licensed apparel while promoting the game overseas. She's like the short, slutty, Mexican Yao Ming.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Charles Barkley on Real Time with Bill Maher

Sir Charles was doing his thang, promoting his tome "Who's Afraid of a Large Black Man" on HBO's Real Time with Bill Maher. Bill asked him about raising a biracial child, to which the one and only Chuckster responded, "There's some crazy black people, and I watch 'Jerry Springer' so I know there's some crazy white people. I just tell my daughter that she got the best of both worlds and I just want her to be a good person." Awww.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Mama (Sheed) Wallace

The first time I saw Ann Iverson, I thought "Yeah, okay, I see where he gets it from." (He = AI = Allen Iverson, dumbass) (Dumbass = You who could not connect the dots from Ann Iverson to Allen Iverson, and you who thought dumbass could possibly be referring to anyone other than yourself) She was tough, scrappy, and had enough bling around her neck to rival the GDP of a small island nation (like Montserrat - $29mil), but you could tell how much she cared about her son...and if you not, you obviously didn't read the sign.

Likewise, when I saw Steve Nash's ma and pa, I thought, "Yeah, okay, I see where he gets it from."

So what must the woman who begat the 3-time league leader in technical fouls be like?

Answer: A force to be reckoned with.

The first time I saw Jackie Wallace was during playoffs last year. She was standing outside the Palace doing a little song and dance taunting the Lakers. Ever since, I've been hoping for some more Jackie Wallace sightings this year. Answer: Mama Wallace makes her picks, daring to pick Seattle over San Antonio and Dallas over Phoenix. Reasons? "Allen has an all-around game" and "Not a fan of Phoenix."

Brash, bold, and opinionated, keep an eye out for Mama Wallace. She's great. Let's hope Sheed gave her a championship belt too.

The 3rd Wallace.

Sunday, May 8, 2005

Indy vs. Boston, or Why I Spent the Next 12 Hours Hugging the Toilet

For me and everyone living outside of D.C. and Chicago, the most exciting series hands down is/was Houston-Dallas. I couldn't have been more pumped before yesterday's game. The boys and I went to Costco and picked up a 1.75L bottle of Grey Goose, a 36 pack of MGD, some Red Bull and some tonic. We were ready and waiting for T-Mac and Dirk, Avery and Jeff (By the way, how entertaining have those two been? The two most irascible, defensive-minded coaches this side of Pop and Larry Brown). A pair of Game 7's, baby. Couldn't wait.

So what do we get instead?? Indy vs. Boston, a game so mind-numbingly dull that I thought time had stopped (actually it was just Jamaal Tinsley bringing the ball up). Don't get me wrong, Rick Carlisle was a fucking genius slowing the game down to the point of no return like he did, calling a time out every time Boston scored, but I needed like 5 drinks and half a liter of vodka just to get through the game. And of course all I had eaten that day were french fries so by the time the Dallas game rolled around, so was I...on the floor.

Funny - I had that same expression watching the game.

I got through the first half and then spent the next 12 hours alternately hunched over the toilet (which for me, being the biggest germophobe, is just another reason to throw up) and dry heaving into the trash can by the bed. At 4am, after my Steve Nash epiphany (more on that later), I finally decided I needed to get something in my stomach. I went to get the only thing tolerable when you're hung over - an Egg McMuffin - except that the McDonald's Nazi refused to serve breakfast until 5am. Can you believe that shit?? I explained the situation very patiently to her (starting from Game 1 when Houston beat Dallas up to Indy-Boston and the cause of my predicament) but the bitch wouldn't budge. Either that or she had no idea what I was talking about because I'm 99.9% sure now that she didn't speak a word of English. Anyway, to make a long story not as long, I ended up getting a Happy Meal, eating half the burger, then throwing it up -- all this before brunch with my Grandma and the rest of my family. And how was your Mother's Day?