Why Lebron Played Extra Special Tonight

In tonight's game against Uruguay, Lebron scored 26 points, making all 11 of his shots in the process. While some may attribute this to his sterling work ethic - Lebron would never mail in a game - the more likely reason was the presence of two people in the crowd of thousands maybe 2,000. Okay 1,000.

Jay Z and Beyonce watched Team USA beat Uruguay 118-79. As a tribute, Lebron threw up the roc, something he hadn't been doing (thankfully) as much during the tournament.

I just don't get the point of the whole roc thing. First of all, it's a Pilates move. I can never remember the names of all the moves, so I just give them my own names, such as "Jesus H" and "no way in hell." Anyway, there's one exercise on the reformer - I think the original name is shaving or shave to the head or something - where you make a triangle with your hands on your forehead and then extend your arms at a 45 degree angle. When my Pilates instructor first showed me, I just called it the roc to make it easier. Finally, she was like, "Why do you keep calling it that?" So I explained to her that it's an asinine thing Jay Z does that he gets all his followers to do, too. She then asked me why, to which I responded I don't know. So I'll ask this time, why? What's the point of throwing up the roc? And what makes it any different from Doug Christie's hand signals to Jackie? They're both meaningless and insipid and worst of all, unoriginal. It makes the headbop look inspired.

Okay, back to the game. It was close there for a hot second. Carmelo sat out because of his heel. Amare continues to shoot 3's and discovers yet another way to piss Shaun Marion off. Tyson Chandler got some playing time. Despite being down 30, the entire Uruguayan bench stood up and cheered when one of their players pulled down a rebound over 3 USA players. Did I mention the guy was 5'9?

This was the closest game in that it was the longest Team USA had gone without the lead. Tomorrow's game vs Argentina should be even better.

Photo Source: NBAE/Getty Images

What's Stronger Than Oak?

Not me, not you, and not Charles Barkley.

Charley Oakley was on PTI yesterday looking fit and scaring the crap out of everybody. I will never question his physical ability again. His mental health, maybe, but his physical ability never.

Here are some of the highlights from his interview:

• "If somebody call me, I'm ready to go at any time."
• When Mike Wilbon referred to Charles Barkley's quote about old guys thinking about coming back - People forget why these guys retired in the first place is because they weren't good anymore. - the Oak got a gleam in his eye and responded with, "He talk more now, he ain't said nothing when he played the game...He couldn't come back, right now. He's about 450. When he see me, we'll talk about that personally me and him. When he hears this interview, he'll know. When I see him, he gonna go the other way."
• About what he can bring to a team: "I can bring a lot to a team. Just my presence. I didn't win a championship but I've been to the Finals. I've been around great players who played the game. (Cue video of him with Michael Jordan.) Great coaches. I can bring a lot of influence. And that's what a lot of teams need - detail. You know, like a car wash. Manicure." Then he said something about a flower bed. I think he was still talking about a car wash.
• "I can at least make 28 of the 30 teams."
• Then, Tony got to the real possible reason of Oak's sudden desire to come back - he's writing a book. When Tony asked if Oak's return was because of his book, Oak responded, "Mmm, it's gonna be my whole career. I'm missing a couple chapters. I think Barkley just took one. If I don't come back, I'm gonna finish the book soon."
• Back to Barkley, Oak said he'd give him a car wash, but won't clean out his car because of all the donut boxes in the back.
• Of Reggie Miller: "He's a pioneer to the game. He's a class act, but he dress like Pee Wee Herman." (Cue photo of Reggie in a skinny gray suit.)
• Finally, Tony and Mike asked Oak to assess his chances of actually playing in the NBA next season. Oak gave it a "6 or 7. You never know."

If Oak comes back, who do you think he would slap first? More so than Orlando, I think Dallas needs him. Finally, Avery would have a player as tough as he is. And we might finally see Mark Cuban get slapped, especially if he wears his Dancing with the Stars costume to a game. Yeah, we need Oak back in the League.

Close(r) Call for Team USA

Team USA beat Mexico 127-100. It's the closest margin of victory thus far for the Americans. An impressive victory nonetheless, that is, until you see who anchored, literally, Team Mexico. To your right is the starting center for Mexico, Horacio Llamas. According to Wikipedia, he's "the best center Mexico has ever produced." To me, he's more of a (Kings era) Vlade Divac / (any era) Eddy Curry hybrid. At least we can take comfort in knowing that Argentina, the only other undefeated team, only beat Mexico by 21 points.

You gotta give him style points though. Look at him rockin the two-toned sweatband, the black tights, and the white knee socks. Less (we see) is definitely more (to our benefit).

Update: Lang Whitaker describes Horacio as having " the body of John Goodman and the style sense of Turtle from 'Entourage.'" (I don't watch Entourage, but I can only assume a 'Turtle' isn't very attractive.) Also, those aren't Dwyane Wade-style tights, but rather kneepads. Oh Horacio.

I'm just going to copy and paste some of Lang's other observations about Horacio here because they're hilarious, but to read them in full, click HERE.

• On a lot plays, Llamas just ends up standing still as everyone runs past him in either direction.
• Lamas takes a dribble to his right, then tries to go behind the back with a dribble. This confuses his own body so much that he ends up falling over onto his butt and turning it over. Nolan Richardson takes him out.
• USA lobs it inside to Howard and Llamas just grabs him. If a chair had magically appeared on the court at that moment, Llamas would have immediately taken a seat. The man is completely exhausted.
• Llamas!! I think he just polished off a pizza and large order of nachos while on the bench.
• Kobe drives and Llamas swats the shot! That’s what a rested Llamas brings to the game.
• After 90 seconds, Llamas is removed from the game, totally gassed.

Photo Source: FIBA Americas

Manolo Cintron Van Gundy

He's saying Pat Riley tried to push him out, too.

Leandro: Still Lookin' For His Balls

Halftime in the Brazil-Puerto Rico game and the Brazilians are down 28-39. The game's not being televised but you can watch a live feed through NBA.com. Right now, I think Leandro is 1 for 9. C'mon Leandro!!

In an earlier televised game, Canada eked out a win against Uruguay. For some reason, Canada kept prolonging the game by needlessly fouling when they were the team up by 6 with less than a minute remaining. Umm, good job, Canada?

Update:

• 4:37 left in the 3rd quarter, Brazil down 39-52.
  
• Leandro actually has 12 points.
  
• Puerto Rico's coach, Manolo Cintron, looks like the Puerto Rican Stan Van Gundy.
  

Aww Leandro!

How can you not love Leandrinho?

Tayshaun's baby-faced Brazilian counterpart, Leandro Barbosa (left), who has been carrying the load for his team, was held to just 4 points tonight. Poor Leandro. Following the loss, he said,

"I knew that [Kobe] was going to come up and defense me and guard me like he did and all I was trying to do was get the ball, but I didn't have many balls in my hand. But that's OK. It's about tomorrow now, let's forget about this."

Hopefully, little Leandro is able to get more balls in his hand tomorrow against Puerto Rico.

Photo Source: NBAE/Getty Images

Game 4: Team USA vs Brazil

Look who's waiting for you, Leandro!

Tonight at 6pm PST (early!):
Team USA vs Brazil
ESPN2

Update: Actually, it's NOT starting at 6pm because of a WNBA game. Sorry! Seriously, are you kidding me?

Update #2: Okay, the score is 8-0 so we haven't missed much, but just as I hate to miss the previews before movies, I don't like missing the beginnings of games!

Update #3: The crowd is chanting "Kobe." Is it too late to switch back to the WNBA game?

Update #4: :)

Photo Source: NBAE/Getty Images

Thou Shalt Not Take Sheed's Name in Vain

Ode to Photoshop Eva

Oh Eva, Eva. Your beauty is as wondrous as the computer it was created on. As flawless as the graphic designer who toiled to make it just so. Some people look at you and see perfection, but Tony looks at you and sees dark circles and malnutrition.

I recently catalogued my magazine collection and I have over 200 back issues of Vogue, W, and Vanity Fair. (For those of you who don't know me, that's only the tip of the crazy meter. They are all in perfect or near-perfect condition.) I love the pictures, clothes, articles, everything. However, I am well aware of the power of those images to fuck a girl up, especially if she starts thinking those images are real. Well, they're not. Even with the best makeup artists, photographers, lighting, etc, Eva Longoria's never going to look like Eva Longoria without Photoshop. So, girls. Don't feel bad about yourselves when you can make those getting paid a shitload of money to feel bad about themselves. Hello! They can afford the therapy. And guys, always make sure you know what a girl looks like in the morning. And love her all the more.

Addendum: My friend's mom told me that guys also better look at a girl's childhood pictures because you never know who's had what done! LOL. Mama knows best!!

Photo Source: iWANEX Studio (there's more where that came from) via Dlisted

More Gatorade

While we're on the subject of Joakim Noah, I thought I'd finally do a profile on him. However, it's not often that an NBA parent outshines his son in fame or female fans. So rather, this is a post on NBA's Finest father-son tandem: Yannick and Joakim Noah.

Yannick Noah - the man pictured here in his underwear, as he is throughout billboards in France - is a living legend. After winning the French Open in front of a title-starved home crowd, he married (and divorced) Miss Sweden, and remade himself into a pop idol and cultural icon. At 47, he's filling up concert venues throughout Europe and campaigning with presidential hopefuls during his spare time.

Son, those are some mighty big shoes to fill. But Joakim's not doing too badly himself.

2006 Most Outstanding Player of the Final Four
2006 Most Outstanding Dancer of the Final Four*
2007 9th overall pick by the Chicago Bulls
2007 Most Distinguished Dancer of the Rookie Photo Shoot**

*By outstanding, I mean enthusiastic.
**By distinguished, I mean interesting.

Personally, much like Corey Brewer, I think Joakim's pretty fantastic with a capital F. He's just cool. So cool, that he could wear a bow tied seersucker suit and still look good. He reminds me of Terrence Howard (before he lost his mind) as Spaceman in Sunset Park. He also has that "man in a park without a care or worry" Andy Dufresne stroll - you know, before he was raped by the Sisters. Luckily, I don't think that's something Joakim has to worry about in Chicago, no matter how pretty he is. I find him to be immensely watchable and, after Kevin Durant, the rookie I'm most excited to see. Until then, this will have to tide me over:

Photo Source: Sloggi, NBAE/Getty Images